How Do I Respond To My Child When He Is Frustrated?

Our 16 month old son has started biting, pinching, and scratching when he gets frustrated. All responses we’ve tried have only encouraged him. How should we respond?

This toddler behavior is frustrating and potentially embarrassing for a parent, but it is absolutely normal. Good for you for already noticing that it happens when your little guy is frustrated! That’s exactly what is happening. He gets frustrated and he doesn’t know any way to express that, so he’s biting his buddies. If an adult bit another adult (think Mike Tyson), there would certainly be malice behind the act, but that’s not the case with toddlers. In fact, your toddler doesn’t even understand that other people have feelings, so he’s usually not out to hurt someone; he just wants to make things happen the way he wants. I would suggest a response along these lines.

• Tell him calmly and quietly that he just hurt you (or Mommy or whoever). Say, “Scratching (or biting or pinching) hurts. That is why we don’t do it.” Give minimal attention to him as it may make the behavior seem more rewarding.
• If the behavior happens again, remind him why it is not acceptable and give a consequence. (Time out, for example.)
• Be consistent in following through in this way.

I have a couple of additional suggestions. Be sure that your normal play does not include behaviors like playful biting or pinching. A child this young cannot discern why it is sometimes fun and sometimes bad. Also, notice situations that frustrate your child. In calm, teachable moments, give him ideas for dealing with that frustration. (“When your blocks fall down, call Daddy and I will help you build them back.”) A child needs your help in developing coping mechanisms.

Our four-year-old son has difficulty controlling his anger and frustration a lot of the time. How do we best teach him to deal with his feelings calmly?

Children get angry—and they have quite a lot to be angry about. This is especially true of young children like your four-year-old. They are little and powerless and unable to do many of the things they try to do. I would feel angry too. But here is an interesting thing…children don’t know that anger is what they are feeling. When you are in one of these intense moments, you can help your child just by saying, “I can see you are angry now.” This will help you help him deal with it in a calmer, more teachable time. You can also help by recognizing what triggers your child’s anger and helping him know what the danger zones are. Those are long-term strategies. Your child also needs your help in developing techniques for managing anger. Try these principles:

• Stay calm. When a child is out of control, the last thing he needs is for your emotions to escalate the situation. Speak in a calm but firm voice.
• Do not accept or reward unacceptable behavior. If your child is lashing out at you or others, it is simply not acceptable. He should be isolated until he is able to calm down. Enforce consequences for behavior that cannot be tolerated. Be consistent in this.
• Help him find other outlets for his anger. You might try purchasing an “angry pillow” or “angry ball” which your child can squeeze or hit when he recognizes the feelings of anger.
• Help him learn to use words to talk about what makes him angry. This will probably need to happen after the storm of anger has passed, but over time it will equip him for dealing with his feelings.