Constructive Criticism

How do I constructively criticize my teenager, regarding her hygiene and appearance?  I want her to take pride in her appearance, but I don’t want to be negative in approaching her about it.  I know she takes it that way.  I simply want to encourage her to be her best; she is beautiful inside and out.

Teenagers!  Gotta love ‘em! The teen years are fun and exciting and challenging for teenagers and for their parents. Most teenagers feel awkward and unsure about their physical appearance.  Sometimes this causes them to make inappropriate or just plain foolish choices about their clothing and hygiene. A part of your job now is to get your daughter to the place where she is able to take personal responsibility for her cleanliness, clothing, and health. And you’ll need to get her there without appearing to tell her what to do.  That’s a real challenge!

The most important thing to do is to keep the lines of communication open.  You can do this by helping her know she has choices.  Discuss different options with her, but make it clear that the final choices are hers.  For example, talk about the pros and cons of different hygiene products.  “Which shampoo do you think you’d like more—the one that smells like watermelon or the one that smells like blueberries?”  Let her have the final say in what to buy.  Spend a day shopping with her, trying on all kinds of clothes.  Listen and watch to see what she likes.  Learn about what is cool in fashion.  Enjoy your daughter!  And pick your battles.  You don’t have to like the same things.  You can gently steer her toward the outfits that are modest but still cool by really affirming how great she looks.  Again, though, she needs to feel that she is making choices for herself.  This is an important developmental task on the road to independence.

Remember that protecting your relationship and your developing friendship with your daughter is of much greater lasting importance than whether or not her clothes are cute.  Trust me, there will come a day when your daughter/friend will say the words you’re longing to hear, “Mom, what do you think about this outfit?”