Stepmom

I have read and enjoyed your posts often! I have a certain challenge that I do not know how to address or how to act/react… I have recently married a man that has a little girl (age 10) that lives with us full time. She is very very smart and at the top of her class with advanced skills in every area but lacks common sense in almost all situations…  She does not have, and has not had, interaction with her mother since she was 3ish. They had her at a very young age so it leaves us only 13 years difference. I have been in her life now for 2 years with constant love and attention but she still looks to me sometimes as a peer, does not treat me with respect, does not listen to me, and gets an “attitude” she does not display with anyone else.  Often I put my foot down when she starts this and let her go to her room for a “cool down” where she can reflect and calm down (she gets very upset sometimes and starts to cry). If we have small talk about her doing something and follow it up with “proper” actions (displaying or saying what could have happened differently) she will try for about a week. A week or so later when she slips up again and I ask her what we talked about she has no clue or recollection of what we talked about. I do not punish her and want to find a way to get through to her. She calls me by my first name and I have never made her call me mom/mommy but she does at times and then goes back to my name.  Help, it’s hard for me to help her…!

Thanks,

Trying hard to be a good “mom”

This little girl is very blessed that God sent you to her!  She needs a mom to help train her, and I know you can do that.  I really like your approach of having “talks” with her and talking about how she might have done things differently.  The consistent follow-through is very important.  I can promise you that it is NOT true that a very smart 10-year-old has no recollection of those conversations after a week has passed.  She remembers; but she is using “forgetting” as a way of challenging you.  I would suggest you write out a sort of contract with her the next time you have one of these talks.  For example, if the issue is putting her things away, discuss the issue with her and outline your expectations.  Perhaps you expect her to put her dirty clothes away at the end of every day.  Make an agreement that after she has done that every day for a week (for example), she will get a special treat.  Write out the agreement and have both of you sign it.  This will be a visible reminder; plus a child this age may like the “grown-up”, more formal nature of a contract.  You cannot do this with every issue, so choose a few ongoing issues and work on them this way one at a time.

A larger problem is the fact that she is not seeing you as an authority figure in her life.  You and her dad need to make it clear to her that, though you are not her mother, you ARE her step-mother.  You have responsibility for her and authority over her.  You need to have clear guidelines as to how she shows respect for you.  It may help you to consider that the respect you are requiring is respect for the position of step-mother.  It is a life lesson she needs to learn.  There will always be authority figures to whom she must show respect.  Help her learn to do that.

She will not become obedient to you unless there are consequences for disobedience.  You say you do not “punish” her; try to think of it more as discipline.  Discipline is simply a way of teaching or training.  When you put your foot down, it needs to carry some weight.  The consequence you use to discipline her is up to you and your husband.  It could be that she loses a privilege or an activity that is important to her (video games or playing with friends).  Whatever you decide, consequences need to be clear and consistent.

I know as time goes on and there is more consistency in your relationship, she will grow to appreciate you more.  Thank you for the many wonderful ways you are helping this child.