Where’s the Poop!
Mar
Dear Miss Pat,
Our four-year-old son has never pooped in the toilet for me or his father, although he is partially trained and never wets himself during the day. Pooping is the issue. He did it one time when a close family friend was babysitting for us. She sat him on the toilet for about 20 minutes and he went. When we try, we sit there forever and then he goes somewhere else about 2 minutes after he gets off.
He finds all sorts of hiding places for his poop (in the corner, under the bed, etc.). He knows he is supposed to go in the toilet but he just won’t. We don’t know what to do.
Oh poop! This is a problem! Have you talked with your pediatrician about this to be sure there are no physical issues? If you’ve already taken that step, then let’s look at the problem from another angle. When a healthy child older than three years old is not toilet trained after several months of trying, they are considered to be “toilet training resistant”. If your little boy is smart enough to delay a bowel movement until he finds a hiding place, you can be sure that he is capable of pooping where he needs to poop. My guess is that you have a power struggle on your hands. You won’t win the struggle with lectures or punishment or forcing him to sit on the toilet. Here are a few suggestions.
If your child is truly resistant, let him come to the place where he has nothing to resist. Have one more talk with him. Tell him he is a big boy, and it is his job to help his poop get in the toilet where it needs to be. Tell him you know he doesn’t need your help, and you are going to stop reminding him. Then stop. No more talking about it, except when he does get it right.
I think you should see some improvement within six weeks. When your son succeeds in using the toilet, give him BIG rewards. Better to overdo it on the incentive by giving extra special treats. In addition, you may want to use a sticker chart to keep a record of every success. Let him know how proud you are.
In the same way, when he makes a mess, it is his responsibility to clean the mess and clean himself. I know he may not get things cleaned as well as you want them, but the point is for him to take responsibility. Say as little as possible about the event, except to tell him that it is time for him to clean it up. You can always go back and finish the cleaning later when he doesn’t know. If he is left a little stinky, gently remind him that big boys can clean themselves and ask him to finish the job.
The general idea is for you to stop putting pressure on him and for him to begin taking responsibility for this developmental task himself. Be mindful that he may hold back his bowel movements and become constipated. If this happens, talk to your pediatrician.
If your little boy is in daycare or preschool, be sure that they are on the same page with you. He will need to have access to the toilet and he will need to have a change of clothes with him.
Try these strategies—and good luck!
I had same problem and my daughter would hold it for days to keep from going in the toilet. She would not poppy on the toilet. I could not keep cleaning poop and started putting a diaper on her if she asked for it so she could poop. It saved a lot of extra frustration. I stopped talking to her about it and started a progression. She had to ask for a diaper to go poop. Then had to be somewhere in the bathroom when she used the diaper, then had to stand next to the toilet, then had to kneel on a closed lid toilet. Then sit with diaper on closed.lid, then open lid, and finally we cut a.hole in the back.of the diaper so the poop would.fall into the toilet. She didn’t know there was a hole the first time and we made a BIG deal of the poop going into the toilet. She went about two weeks with a hole in the diapers and finally just tried one day by herself and called me to.come and see. It worked for is and took away the power struggles,