Why does my son keep doing the same things over and over?
Aug
Dear Ms. Pat, Help! I know the purpose of disciplining my children is to teach them, not to punish them. But it does seem like if I were teaching them, they would learn to stop doing what they’re not supposed to do. So why does my son keep doing the same things over and over? It’s almost like the movie “Groundhog Day”. Every day he hits his sister because of some minor irritation. Every day we send him to his room for a time out. Every day he is sorry he hit his sister. Then—the next day, he hits his sister for some minor irritation, we send him to his room for a time out, he is sorry he hit his sister. Same thing every day. What do you think we are doing wrong? Our son is six and our daughter is 2.
I don’t think you are doing anything wrong! Your son’s behavior is not what it should be, and you are appropriately disciplining him. I do have a couple of thoughts. First, ask yourself some questions. Is his little sister just very good at pushing your son’s buttons? Are you also dealing with her behavior? Is a time out an effective disciplinary technique for your boy? For many children it is; for others having to stay in their rooms doesn’t faze them. They may even enjoy it! Would taking away a privilege be more meaningful to him? Parents need to know their children well enough to know what really matters to them. That is a key to finding successful discipline techniques.
Second, are you helping your son learn what to do differently next time? He may be getting the message that you don’t want him to hit his sister, but he may need your help in figuring out what to do instead. For example, after each disciplinary situation, have a conversation with your son. Reassure him of your love, ask him what he did wrong, and ask him what he will do differently next time. Be sure he can give you an answer. If his little sister irritates him, what should he do? Use words to ask her to stop, come to you for help, walk away from her—help him have some acceptable alternatives to his current unacceptable behavior. This is an important step in discipline that really does make it a teaching opportunity.
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This reminds me of my eldest brother. To this day, I still don’t know why he was easily irritated. When me and my other brother played with him, we accidentally scratched his arm or stepped on his foot. If we didn’t quickly shown remorse and use apologizing words, he would beat us. Even if we didn’t “touched” him, just to disagree with him would resulted in beating. It was hell to have such brother throughout my childhood. My parents would discipline him, but he didn’t change a bit. Even worse, when he turned 13, he was out of control. He refused to be disciplined and would talk back to my parents in an unacceptable manner. At times, out of terrible fears, as a child, I would pray for God to take him away so that he won’t hurt any of us anymore. When he died of flu complications 6 years ago at the age of 33, I felt terribly awful for all those animosity, yet I can’t denied that somewhat I feel free and relieved. My eldest brother was similar to the Joker from the Dark Knight, minus the killing.