Secret Letters

Miss Pat,
My son is almost 10. He has always been very open and expressive with me. Now he seems to be withdrawing. Often he will get angry at my husband and me, and we may not even know why. He just explodes and stomps off into his room. His anger affects the whole family. How can I help him?
Worried Mom

Though it seems a little early, some of what you are seeing is just a normal part of growing up. As children grow into the preteen years, they will begin to distance themselves. This is natural. Your son probably does need more space and privacy as he matures.

However, you also want to preserve your relationship with him and give him acceptable ways to communicate what he is feeling. Here’s a technique that several of my favorite moms have tried. Get a spiral notebook and tell your son this is a private book, just for the two of you. Any time he wants to tell you something, he can write a letter in the notebook and then place the book under your pillow (or any special hiding place you decide on.) When you receive a letter from him—or if you just have something to say to him—you can write him a letter in the notebook and place it under his pillow.

This gives your son a way to communicate that will protect him from being disrespectful or out of line, but it does keep the lines of communication open between you. Of course, your letters don’t have to be about problem areas. They can be little love letters or “I’m proud of you because…”. The goal is to keep your relationship strong in the coming years.