Making Friends

Miss Pat,

My daughter is 7.  When she was in the 1st grade, she had a classmate who was in the same class with her since they were in Kindergarten, they quickly became best friends.  They are in different classroom for 2nd grade.  However, I see that they are still playing together during recess and at lunch.

Soon after their last playdate, her mom asked if I agree our daughters should make friends with others from their own classroom.  I agree that they should expand their circle of friends, but it is up to them.  Her mom kept going about how my daughter was unhappy when her daughter played with other kids and she found out about this from her diary and that it had been going on for a year.  I was taken by surprise because the whole time it was her daughter who always wanted to play with my daughter.  She always gave stuff to my daughter.  Her mom’s suggestion to expand their circle of friends was more about cutting of their friendship.

My daughter is overly protective of her best friend.  Sometimes I feel she limited her friend to do what she wanted.  So I had a talk with my daughter to find out the truth.  She did not lied to me about what happened but she did not volunteer information either.  I suggested her to make friends with others in her class and not to force friendship.  I checked back with her every now and then, it seems she has failed.  She ended up going back to the same one but she tried to be more liberal.  But every indication I gather pointed out that her best friend no longer wanted to play with her.  The words that her friend said to my daughter was more of an adult’s than a 7-year-old.

How can I help her?

Thanks!

Oh, this makes me sad and I know it hurts you for your daughter. Friendships are important to all of us. We are created to need relationships. As we mature, we understand that friendships come and go but it is difficult for children to handle changing dynamics in a friendship. And, as you say, sometimes the parent of a BFF can force changes for their own reasons. Probably this mother simply wants to broaden the scope of her daughter’s friendships and she pushed for that without a real understanding of how your daughter might be hurt.  This is part of life, though. All children will experience pain as part of their social lives.

However, the situation now is that your daughter needs new friends and she needs your help to be successful at that. Here are some tips.

•    You are already doing the most important thing by talking to your daughter. Try to draw her out more and really listen to what she says. You may hear stories that will help you pinpoint social skills she needs to develop. For example, do relationships hit a dead end because your daughter doesn’t know how to compromise or negotiate? Very few people have these skills naturally, so you may need to “coach” her in how to be a good friend.
•    Try to be low-key about the situation with the broken friendship. Children tend to take cues from us as to how much or how little to be upset about any given situation. Knowing that she’s been hurt must break your heart, but try to be nonchalant about it. After all, these things do happen.
•    Provide opportunities for her to meet more people in ways she will enjoy. Is she in activities outside school like dance or gymnastics? Activities that provide an opportunity for kids to have fun together can naturally lead to friendships.
•    Be your daughter’s biggest cheerleader! Tell her she’s great. Be specific in telling her things about her that you enjoy. This will help her believe that other people will enjoy her too, and that boost of confidence may help her reach out to new friends.
•    Pray that God will send your daughter the friends He has for her. I know He loves her and has good things planned for her.

Thank you for being such a great parent and caring so much for your daughter!