My daughter is 7.  When she was in the 1st grade, she had a classmate who was in the same class with her since they were in Kindergarten, they quickly became best friends.  They are in different classroom for 2nd grade.  However, I see that they are still playing together during recess and at lunch.

Soon after their last playdate, her mom asked if I agree our daughters should make friends with others from their own classroom.  I agree that they should expand their circle of friends, but it is up to them.  Her mom kept going about how my daughter was unhappy when her daughter played with other kids and she found out about this from her diary and that it had been going on for a year.  I was taken by surprise because the whole time it was her daughter who always wanted to play with my daughter.  She always gave stuff to my daughter.  Her mom’s suggestion to expand their circle of friends was more about cutting of their friendship.

My daughter is overly protective of her best friend.  Sometimes I feel she limited her friend to do what she wanted.  So I had a talk with my daughter to find out the truth.  She did not lied to me about what happened but she did not volunteer information either.  I suggested her to make friends with others in her class and not to force friendship.  I checked back with her every now and then, it seems she has failed.  She ended up going back to the same one but she tried to be more liberal.  But every indication I gather pointed out that her best friend no longer wanted to play with her.  The words that her friend said to my daughter was more of an adult’s than a 7-year-old.

How can I help her?

Thanks!

Oh, this makes me sad and I know it hurts you for your daughter. Friendships are important to all of us. We are created to need relationships. As we mature, we understand that friendships come and go but it is difficult for children to handle changing dynamics in a friendship. And, as you say, sometimes the parent of a BFF can force changes for their own reasons. Probably this mother simply wants to broaden the scope of her daughter’s friendships and she pushed for that without a real understanding of how your daughter might be hurt.  This is part of life, though. All children will experience pain as part of their social lives.

However, the situation now is that your daughter needs new friends and she needs your help to be successful at that. Here are some tips.

•    You are already doing the most important thing by talking to your daughter. Try to draw her out more and really listen to what she says. You may hear stories that will help you pinpoint social skills she needs to develop. For example, do relationships hit a dead end because your daughter doesn’t know how to compromise or negotiate? Very few people have these skills naturally, so you may need to “coach” her in how to be a good friend.
•    Try to be low-key about the situation with the broken friendship. Children tend to take cues from us as to how much or how little to be upset about any given situation. Knowing that she’s been hurt must break your heart, but try to be nonchalant about it. After all, these things do happen.
•    Provide opportunities for her to meet more people in ways she will enjoy. Is she in activities outside school like dance or gymnastics? Activities that provide an opportunity for kids to have fun together can naturally lead to friendships.
•    Be your daughter’s biggest cheerleader! Tell her she’s great. Be specific in telling her things about her that you enjoy. This will help her believe that other people will enjoy her too, and that boost of confidence may help her reach out to new friends.
•    Pray that God will send your daughter the friends He has for her. I know He loves her and has good things planned for her.

Thank you for being such a great parent and caring so much for your daughter!

1. I married well. Although I didn’t know it when I proposed to her, my wife’s “mom” skills are off the charts.
2. We joined a “Young Married” Bible study class six months before we were married. The wise instruction received from the teacher and the fellowship with others at a similar stage in life was important to my growth as a dad. I believe participation in a Bible class with a wise leader is invaluable.
3. Our participation in a “Growing Kids God’s Way” study is also something that had a tremendous impact shaping my parenting beliefs.

Specifically, the above helped me better understand some basic principles that greatly influenced the training of our children.  A few of those include:

• Teach self-control early and often.  Correct behavior must be expected.
• Be consistent in communicating expectations and enforcing the consequences when they are not met.
• Require/teach moral behavior based upon biblical standards.
• Practice what you preach, because they will be watching.
• Be involved with your children and their friends and have fun while you are doing it.

If you are interested in reading more Secrets of Successful Dads, click here.

I want my children to know they are loved, so…
Children need to hear the words “I love you” come out of their father’s mouth on a regular basis starting early in life. My children will never get too old to hear this from me.

I want my children to value and seek Godly integrity, so…
My children need to witness their father living out the principles of God’s Word. This is how they will know their father believes what he says.

I want my children to develop self-control, so…
Boundaries need to be established for every child. The boundaries should get larger as the children demonstrate they can be trusted. When the boundaries are breached, it is up to me to be sure there are consequences. Every time.

I want my children to be successful, so…
I must give them enough rope to become independent and fail. When they fail—and they will—I must be quick to rescue them with unconditional love and help them find their way back to the right track.

I want my children to have right relationships, so…
I must be sure they witness their father loving and caring for their mother.

If you are interested in reading more Secrets of Successful Dads, click here.

1)    Their children show evidence of a desire to follow God.
2)    Their children have found or are finding the unique paths God has for them to pursue
3)    Their relationship with their children is marked by mutual respect, love, and enjoyment

Several dads, in various stages of parenting, have shared insights into what they consider to be the most important things a father can do. These responses have been fascinating!  How I’ve loved reading their tips! What they have written has been especially meaningful for me since I know these men well and can tell you without reservation that the lives they live match the words they wrote.  My promise to them is that their names won’t be used, but I promise you these men are worth learning from. From the practical to the profound, I believe you will find their insights valuable.

“Important Things for Dads” from an unnamed but successful dad:

The following is a list of things I strive to do and be, sometimes succeeding, many times failing.  Many of these I saw in my own father, who was and still is the biggest influence on my life.

1. Keep a proper perspective – things are never as bad or as good as they first seem.  Do not over react – remember that God is truly in control of all things and will use events for good to those who love Him and are called to His purposes.  When things are going bad, ask “God, please keep my heart and eyes open to see how you are working in this situation.”
2. Honor your wife.  Be faithful to her in every aspect of marriage: love her, honor her, cherish her, and be loyal to her every day.
3. Make your family a priority, Spend as much time as possible with the family.  Enjoy the things they enjoy.
4. Seek to honor God in every word and action while remembering that you are the biggest influence on your kids, particularly on your sons.
5. Strive to live a life of integrity in every area of your life; the kids are watching you.  Encourage the kids to want the first words they hear when they see Jesus to be (i) “Well done good and faithful servant …” and (ii) “Behold, a Texan in whom there is no guile/no deceit/nothing false.” (John 1:47)
6. Set high expectations for your kids.
7. Remind the kids that God is always with them, not watching them to see mistakes, but to lead, protect, and encourage them.

He is very much a people person, and I pray every day that my little extrovert will not succumb to the pressures of pleasing man, but that he will want to please Christ and us until he becomes an adult and a believer.  I know that a big part of that is his feeling secure in our home and in his relationship with his father and me.

I guess I’m just looking for advice on if his behavior is healthy and if not … and how I might go about correcting him in another way if it’s not.

Thanks!

It sounds to me like you are doing everything exactly right! You are teaching your son what behavior is acceptable and what behavior is not acceptable. That is a big part of your job as a mom. It doesn’t always feel good, but you do have to do it.

It is important that a child remains secure in a parent’s love, even though the child is being reprimanded. You are doing a good job of that by being sure that “holding” and “scolding” go together.  I love it that you are not raising your voice. You don’t want him to be afraid; you just want him to listen. It also tells me that you are not scolding out of your own anger. Good job on that!

You say that you’re not certain whether he is manipulating you to get away from the scolding or whether he really needs your affirmation of love and acceptance. I would suggest that maybe it is both! It is very natural to try to escape the consequences of our wrong choices, and you can’t let that happen with your little boy. He also does have a deep need for your love and acceptance. This is what makes me think you are on the right track. Hold him in a way that allows you to make eye contact with him, do not raise your voice, say what you need to say, and then reassure him of how much you love him. He is a little young for this now, but as he grows older it is a good idea to have him repeat back to you what the wrong behavior was so you are certain he is hearing and understand the issue.

His behavior is absolutely healthy and does not concern me at all. The only question I would have for you is whether the correction you give seems to be working. That is, does he hesitate or avoid the corrected behavior the next time? If so, you know that he is learning…and you also know that you are doing your job. I’m proud of you!

Though it seems a little early, some of what you are seeing is just a normal part of growing up. As children grow into the preteen years, they will begin to distance themselves. This is natural. Your son probably does need more space and privacy as he matures.

However, you also want to preserve your relationship with him and give him acceptable ways to communicate what he is feeling. Here’s a technique that several of my favorite moms have tried. Get a spiral notebook and tell your son this is a private book, just for the two of you. Any time he wants to tell you something, he can write a letter in the notebook and then place the book under your pillow (or any special hiding place you decide on.) When you receive a letter from him—or if you just have something to say to him—you can write him a letter in the notebook and place it under his pillow.

This gives your son a way to communicate that will protect him from being disrespectful or out of line, but it does keep the lines of communication open between you. Of course, your letters don’t have to be about problem areas. They can be little love letters or “I’m proud of you because…”. The goal is to keep your relationship strong in the coming years.

Being shy is not bad or wrong—but it can be painful! Your daughter is probably timid by nature. She’s likely always been that way and will always have the tendency to shyness. Though you can’t change her, you can help her understand her shyness and develop strategies to overcome it.

It sounds as if being timid may be preventing your daughter from making friends and participating in activities. Shy people are very afraid of taking risks. Even something as simple as saying “hello” opens up the risk of rejection. She needs your help! Have an honest discussion with her. Let her know that you think she’s terrific and you don’t want her to miss out on anything. Offer to be her partner in helping her let go of a little shyness.

First, choose just one or two simple behaviors your daughter would like to improve. It may be as basic as saying “Good morning” to her teacher. Set that goal, and then practice. You can role play being the teacher. Then switch; let her pretend to be the teacher and you pretend to be the shy student. This will allow you to model for her a simple greeting, accompanied by eye contact. Practicing in front of a mirror may also be helpful to her.

Once she is able to achieve this goal, set another one. Maybe she can try complimenting a classmate or asking a question in class. She will feel nervous, but practice helps. Don’t give up!

Your question is a good one. I am so sorry about Cash. Our family lost a much-loved dog earlier this year, and we all grieved the loss. The death of a pet is a significant event in the life of a family. Cooper will have questions about this, and the experience will help shape his views on death, heaven, and God. Those are big issues!

It seems to me that your instincts are exactly right. It is important that you tell Cooper only what you know for sure is true. You know for sure that it will be better when Cash does not have to hurt any more. You know for sure that God was good to give your family the gift of such a good dog friend. You know for sure that God has good plans for everything and every person He created.

If Cooper asks questions that you don’t know the answer to, like whether Cash is in heaven, the answer is just, “I don’t know. The Bible doesn’t tell us what happens when animals die.” The faith of children is partially developed by learning to accept that there are things we just can’t know but God is still good.

Dear Concerned,
At some point all children will be exposed to the reality of that very frightening day. With the tenth anniversary, there is widespread media attention on 9/11. Because the attacks are part of our country’s history, children will also hear about them in school. The tragedy is difficult for adults to understand and naturally will be beyond the grasp of young children. Here are some things to keep in mind.

•    Take your cues from your child. Is your child asking you about this? If so, answer the questions that are asked. Give factual, concrete answers. For example, if your child asks what happened on 9/11, tell the facts. “People who did not like America and wanted to hurt us flew planes into buildings. Many people died that day.”  Then you may want to ask if they have any more questions or ask how they feel about that. That may be all the answer they need. If so, let that be enough for now. Don’t answer questions that aren’t asked.
•    Be careful in sharing your feelings. Memories of that day still make me so sad! Does that happen with you? Your child does not share our memories. Depending on his temperament, he may or may not share your sadness. Please don’t make him feel as if he should.
•    Don’t focus on hatred. Older children especially may respond to the idea that “bad guys” did this. If you hear them speaking negatively about Arabs or Muslim people, help them understand that 9/11 happened because of some people, not an entire population.
•    Help your children feel safe.  This is one of their basic needs.  Explain to them that many steps have been taken to keep Americans safer. If you have a family safety plan, talk them through it as much as is appropriate. Children feel safer in scary times if they have an idea what they can expect. They will have more security if they know you have a plan to take care of them.
•    Limit their exposure. Graphic pictures of the horrors and emotion of 9/11 may be too much for children to see. If you need to, turn off the TV. Do not allow frightening images to enter their minds if you can prevent it. Once those images are in, there is no way to get them out.
•    Stress that no matter what happens, God is still in control. When good things happen, He is in control. When bad things happen, He is in control even though it may not see like it. Help them explore Bible promises that tell us not to be afraid. (1 Peter 5:7; Isaiah 41:10; Psalm 27:1; Proverbs 18:1; Psalm 23:4)
•    Finally, take comfort yourself in God’s promises. Nothing will help your child’s faith grow as much as seeing faith lived out in your own life.

I don’t think you are doing anything wrong! Your son’s behavior is not what it should be, and you are appropriately disciplining him. I do have a couple of thoughts. First, ask yourself some questions. Is his little sister just very good at pushing your son’s buttons? Are you also dealing with her behavior? Is a time out an effective disciplinary technique for your boy?  For many children it is; for others having to stay in their rooms doesn’t faze them. They may even enjoy it! Would taking away a privilege be more meaningful to him? Parents need to know their children well enough to know what really matters to them. That is a key to finding successful discipline techniques.

Second, are you helping your son learn what to do differently next time? He may be getting the message that you don’t want him to hit his sister, but he may need your help in figuring out what to do instead.  For example, after each disciplinary situation, have a conversation with your son. Reassure him of your love, ask him what he did wrong, and ask him what he will do differently next time. Be sure he can give you an answer. If his little sister irritates him, what should he do? Use words to ask her to stop, come to you for help, walk away from her—help him have some acceptable alternatives to his current unacceptable behavior.  This is an important step in discipline that really does make it a teaching opportunity.