Dear Miss Pat,

Our four-year-old son has never pooped in the toilet for me or his father, although he is partially trained and never wets himself during the day.  Pooping is the issue.  He did it one time when a close family friend was babysitting for us. She sat him on the toilet for about 20 minutes and he went. When we try, we sit there forever and then he goes somewhere else about 2 minutes after he gets off.

He finds all sorts of hiding places for his poop (in the corner, under the bed, etc.).  He knows he is supposed to go in the toilet but he just won’t.  We don’t know what to do.

Oh poop!  This is a problem!  Have you talked with your pediatrician about this to be sure there are no physical issues?  If you’ve already taken that step, then let’s look at the problem from another angle.  When a healthy child older than three years old is not toilet trained after several months of trying, they are considered to be “toilet training resistant”.  If your little boy is smart enough to delay a bowel movement until he finds a hiding place, you can be sure that he is capable of pooping where he needs to poop.  My guess is that you have a power struggle on your hands.  You won’t win the struggle with lectures or punishment or forcing him to sit on the toilet.  Here are a few suggestions.

If your child is truly resistant, let him come to the place where he has nothing to resist.  Have one more talk with him.  Tell him he is a big boy, and it is his job to help his poop get in the toilet where it needs to be.  Tell him you know he doesn’t need your help, and you are going to stop reminding him.  Then stop.  No more talking about it, except when he does get it right.

I think you should see some improvement within six weeks.  When your son succeeds in using the toilet, give him BIG rewards.  Better to overdo it on the incentive by giving extra special treats.  In addition, you may want to use a sticker chart to keep a record of every success.  Let him know how proud you are.

In the same way, when he makes a mess, it is his responsibility to clean the mess and clean himself.  I know he may not get things cleaned as well as you want them, but the point is for him to take responsibility.  Say as little as possible about the event, except to tell him that it is time for him to clean it up.  You can always go back and finish the cleaning later when he doesn’t know.  If he is left a little stinky, gently remind him that big boys can clean themselves and ask him to finish the job.

The general idea is for you to stop putting pressure on him and for him to begin taking responsibility for this developmental task himself.  Be mindful that he may hold back his bowel movements and become constipated.  If this happens, talk to your pediatrician.

If your little boy is in daycare or preschool, be sure that they are on the same page with you.  He will need to have access to the toilet and he will need to have a change of clothes with him.

Try these strategies—and good luck!

Miss Pat,

I was wondering if you could help me with some parenting concerns/questions!  HELP!!!  I have one son who is 22 months old.  I am trying to break his hitting/throwing phase.

I do not swat because I think violence breeds violence so I have been trying time outs for about three months.  To this day, I still have to hold his legs down and brace his back against the couch for a 2 minute time out.  Many of my other mommy friends have children who cry but will stay in the designated time out area.

He laughs a lot when I try to reprimand him from hitting me or pulling my hair (my mom says when I get a tense voice this “eggs” him on and he thinks it’s a game).  I have tried time outs in the pack and play without any toys in there but he really enjoys that and I think a child should be in a spot where there is no entertainment or enjoyment.

If you have time, could you offer some suggestions?  I am an only child, have not really been around many toddlers, I have no family here besides my husband, and I just don’t want my son to be one of “those kids.” (I was a former kindergarten teacher so I know what will happen if discipline doesn’t begin in the home).

Thank you in advance for your thought and help!!!  I really need it.

You are such a smart mom and are absolutely right about children needing discipline in the home in the preschool years.  I have a few questions for you.

When your son is hitting and throwing, is he doing it because he is angry?  Or frustrated that something is not going his way?  Or just so active that he crosses a line into unacceptable behavior?

No matter what is leading to the hitting and throwing, what needs to happen is that you help your little guy learn self-control.  But the way you help him may depend on what is motivating his behavior.

It may be that he is not ready yet for time-outs.  Many experts say that two-year-olds should not be given time-outs.  I don’t know about that, but I do know it doesn’t feel good to you to have to hold him down.  I was picturing that when he hits you or pulls your hair, the best thing to do would be to just hold his arms and say in a calm firm voice, “That hurts Mommy.  You can’t hurt people.”  Hold his wrists and make eye contact with him.  You need to immobilize him, but be sure that you stay calm.  Your goal is to de-escalate his behavior and the activity level in the room.

I’m not sure it is as important to make the time-out last two minutes as it is to be sure you have his attention and are repeatedly teaching him that his behavior is not acceptable.  If trying to make him be still for a time-out simply escalates his behavior and puts you in a bad position, you might say, “We need a time-out,” and hold him firmly on your lap with your arms around him, keeping full contact with him and continuing to talk to him in a low, calm, firm voice.  “We can’t stand up until you get still.  In our house, there is no hitting and no throwing.”  Your words to him will vary depending on whether he is angry or frustrated or just too active.  “I’m sorry that your blocks fell down.  I will help you pick them up, but first we need to get still.  In our house, there is no hitting and no throwing.”  OR “I know you are feeling angry right now, but in our house there is no hitting and no throwing.”  OR “Let’s sit still together until you can play with no hitting.”  It is all right to use your physical strength to hold him still, but do it in a way that will keep him from swinging out at you.  If he is kicking and making it impossible to hold him calmly, you might put him in the pack and play to make it possible for you to get down on his level, hold his arms and talk to him.  Again, the fact that he is getting a message from you is more important than making him be in one place for two minutes.

Your tone of voice will be most important.  The quieter, the better.  Even if he is screaming, your tone will need to stay low and calm.  That is easier said than done, I know.

All of that said, just remember that your son’s behavior is perfectly normal.  His job right now is to explore the world.  A part of that involves testing boundaries.  He is pushing limits to find out what’s okay and what’s not okay.  There will come a day when “no hitting” and “no throwing” sink into his thought patterns.  That will be a happy day, won’t it?

You’re doing great!  Let me know if this helps.

Our two boys are six and eight.  Sometimes they play together well, but a lot of times it is not pretty at our house.  The thing that makes me really crazy is tattling.  They both do it.  It seems like they can’t wait to run and tell me what the other one is doing wrong.  The whining and tattling are wearing me out.  What should I do?

Two brothers who are six and eight are going to have times when they don’t get along well.  It is just normal, and it is going to be that way for a long time. The best thing that can happen is for your boys to learn to solve some of their own issues.

Tattling usually means that children are pointing out problems instead of trying to make things better.  In general, you should refuse to act on it.  However, there are times when you will need to know what one of your sons is doing if he is putting himself or other people in danger.  Set some clear expectations of when you want one son to let you know what the other one is doing.  For example, “Tell me if your brother is hurting himself or other people or destroying something.  Other than that, you work it out yourselves.”

Then stick with it.  Be ready to respond when you hear something like “Mom!  Trey won’t let me play with the Wii and it’s my turn!” Your response should be “You have a choice.  You can work it out yourselves or no one will be playing with the Wii.  It doesn’t matter to me.” You may give them a few ideas for how to work it out (set a timer, play a different game, etc.). Then walk away.  Don’t give in to the temptation of working back through both sides of the story to see if Trey really is taking Joey’s turn. If there is still arguing within a few minutes, let the boys know they have made their choice and turn off the Wii.  It really isn’t your job to make everything fair for them.  It is your job to help them learn how to problem solve.

I know this may not feel instinctively right to you because parents tend to want to make things right or at least just stop the fighting, but keep your eyes on the bigger goal.  Your boys can learn to cooperate and compromise and those will be valuable lifelong skills for them.

My daughter began kindergarten in August of this year.  She had never had problems being separated from us before, but she cried every day for over three weeks when she had to go to school.  She also began to cry at church and other places.  I was finally able to find out that the kindergarten teacher yelled at students and forced them to re-do work constantly.  We have now placed our daughter in a private school with a nurturing teacher, but her fear persists.  I don’t know how to help her build up her confidence and bring back her sense of security.

You have already touched on exactly what you need to do.  Because your little girl had such a rough start to the school year, she has lost confidence in herself and her feeling of security of well-being.  Please realize it will take a little time to build them back up.

Enlist the help of your daughter’s new teacher, and go overboard to help her feel confident.  Look for times when she is succeeding at school and at home; then tell her how proud you are of her, how smart she is, etc.  You will help her begin to see herself as a capable girl.

If she is afraid to be away from you at school, continue to reassure her.  “You will be fine.  Mrs. (teacher’s name) is here to take care of you.  She loves you and will help you in any way.”  The teacher may also need to give her some special attention.  To help Kelly feel close to you while she is at school, you might send a special object with her–maybe a special bracelet or even a locket with your picture in it.  Tell her that whenever she looks at it, it will remind her of how much Mommy loves her and she can know that you are thinking about her and will see her soon.

To help her think positively about school, set up a time in the afternoon or evening when she tells you the “three best things that happened at school today”.  Eventually this will help her focus on the good things about going to school and will relieve her fears.

I’m sorry you’ve had a rough start to the school year.  I’m positive that things will get better for her very soon.

Our son is nine years old and the sweetest boy ever.  He is being tormented at school by a group of bullies.  They follow him and say awful things to him, especially the “Head Bully”.   We want to follow them and teach them a thing or two, or at least go to their parents and tell them to get this fixed or else.  The idea of us talking to the other parents horrifies our son.  What should we do?

Oh, I hate this along with you; but having said that, it is important for you to not over react.  When your child tells you about the bullying, praise him for being brave enough to talk to you about it.  Then work with him on developing a strategy to deal with it.  Fighting back is NOT the way to go, although you may be tempted to tell your son to stand up for himself.  Instead, he needs to just ignore the bullies and walk away.  The purpose of bullying is to get a rise from the victim.  Ignoring it is the best (though possibly the most difficult) strategy.  Fighting back, physically or verbally, will only cause the situation to escalate.  Talk to your son about what you can do to help.  Your son’s teacher or a school administrator definitely needs to know about this.  Explain to your son that “Mrs. Smith needs to know, not just to help you, but to protect other kids as well.  It is the right thing to do to talk to her.”  Then go to the teacher or administrator and work out a plan.  It may be that the school sets up a meeting with the other parents as well.   Communicate to your son that you and he are working as a team to deal with this issue.

We have been working with our 3 1/2-year-old daughter on potty training for almost a year now.  It has been quite a year with a new baby and uprooting from the only home she’s known.  She will take a few steps forward and then a few steps back, which I think is typical.  But she is starting to protest more and going right in front of me after I’ll remind her.

We’ve tried the reward system which works a small percent of the time.  We’ve tried letting her run around without anything on.  We’ve tried taking things away and have done everything I can think of, just short of discipline.

She just seems so stubborn and lazy.  Do you have anything to offer that I might try?

Another thing that is setting her back I think is at church.  I have been sending her in pull-ups, but reminding her to tell her teachers if she has to go.  It seems though that she doesn’t and goes in the pull-ups.  I would love to be able to send her in panties, but I’m concerned that she’ll have too many accidents and stress out her teachers.  What do you think?

Of course this is just a temporary problem.  As you said, it is not unusual for a child to regress some in potty training, especially when there is stress in their lives, including major change to deal with.   Absolutely normal.

Do you feel like it is becoming a power struggle with her…more of a “you can’t make me” kind of issue?  If so, she is right.  You really can’t make her.  If you feel like the process has entered that arena, I would suggest you back off some.  Of course, you should and will still remind her, but when she doesn’t go in the potty, have a very low-key response.  Just clean up accidents matter-of-factly and remind her she should go in the potty.  If this is becoming a battle, it is up to you to de-escalate.

It doesn’t sound like you think the reward system is very effective with your little girl.  It sounds more like she knows what to do and how to do it, she is just not choosing to do it.  Is that right?

It might be that when she weighs things out in her smart little mind, the equation is something like this:

Stopping what I’m doing, pulling down my panties, taking the time to go in the potty vs. continuing to play, going in my panties or on the floor, and getting a big response from Mommy….hmmmm, I think I’ll just keep playing.

I’m not suggesting you are giving her too much of a reaction; I’m just thinking she may get some kind of kick out of pushing your buttons on this because it is an area where she has power.  But eventually, the equation will shift and she will feel embarrassed and uncomfortable for wetting or pooping herself and she will decide it is time to go potty, every time.  Of course, you will help that equation to shift by giving her big applause when she uses the potty and minimal attention when she does not.

The idea is that the motivation for going potty at this age must become internal motivation.    Until that happens, the problem at church will continue.  If her potty training is really having Mommy consistently ask her/take her, she will have accidents at church.  Even if an adult in her room is asking her to go potty, there may not be enough consistency and she will have accidents. You can put a reminder sticker on her if you want to:  “Please take me potty.”  That can be a reminder to her caregivers, but there is no guarantee that their timing will match hers.  Soon we will get to the place where she herself asks to be taken.  It really will happen.

Does she like wearing big-girl panties?  You might make a deal with her that she can wear panties to church, but if she has an accident, then her teachers will put pull-ups on her for the rest of the day.   Is that what you are doing now or is she coming to church in pull-ups?  You could give her the chance to stay dry in panties by letting her come that way and remind the caregiver to take her potty several times during the morning.

Don’t worry!  She WILL get to the place of being fully trained.  What a happy day that will be!

I have read and enjoyed your posts often! I have a certain challenge that I do not know how to address or how to act/react… I have recently married a man that has a little girl (age 10) that lives with us full time. She is very very smart and at the top of her class with advanced skills in every area but lacks common sense in almost all situations…  She does not have, and has not had, interaction with her mother since she was 3ish. They had her at a very young age so it leaves us only 13 years difference. I have been in her life now for 2 years with constant love and attention but she still looks to me sometimes as a peer, does not treat me with respect, does not listen to me, and gets an “attitude” she does not display with anyone else.  Often I put my foot down when she starts this and let her go to her room for a “cool down” where she can reflect and calm down (she gets very upset sometimes and starts to cry). If we have small talk about her doing something and follow it up with “proper” actions (displaying or saying what could have happened differently) she will try for about a week. A week or so later when she slips up again and I ask her what we talked about she has no clue or recollection of what we talked about. I do not punish her and want to find a way to get through to her. She calls me by my first name and I have never made her call me mom/mommy but she does at times and then goes back to my name.  Help, it’s hard for me to help her…!

Thanks,

Trying hard to be a good “mom”

This little girl is very blessed that God sent you to her!  She needs a mom to help train her, and I know you can do that.  I really like your approach of having “talks” with her and talking about how she might have done things differently.  The consistent follow-through is very important.  I can promise you that it is NOT true that a very smart 10-year-old has no recollection of those conversations after a week has passed.  She remembers; but she is using “forgetting” as a way of challenging you.  I would suggest you write out a sort of contract with her the next time you have one of these talks.  For example, if the issue is putting her things away, discuss the issue with her and outline your expectations.  Perhaps you expect her to put her dirty clothes away at the end of every day.  Make an agreement that after she has done that every day for a week (for example), she will get a special treat.  Write out the agreement and have both of you sign it.  This will be a visible reminder; plus a child this age may like the “grown-up”, more formal nature of a contract.  You cannot do this with every issue, so choose a few ongoing issues and work on them this way one at a time.

A larger problem is the fact that she is not seeing you as an authority figure in her life.  You and her dad need to make it clear to her that, though you are not her mother, you ARE her step-mother.  You have responsibility for her and authority over her.  You need to have clear guidelines as to how she shows respect for you.  It may help you to consider that the respect you are requiring is respect for the position of step-mother.  It is a life lesson she needs to learn.  There will always be authority figures to whom she must show respect.  Help her learn to do that.

She will not become obedient to you unless there are consequences for disobedience.  You say you do not “punish” her; try to think of it more as discipline.  Discipline is simply a way of teaching or training.  When you put your foot down, it needs to carry some weight.  The consequence you use to discipline her is up to you and your husband.  It could be that she loses a privilege or an activity that is important to her (video games or playing with friends).  Whatever you decide, consequences need to be clear and consistent.

I know as time goes on and there is more consistency in your relationship, she will grow to appreciate you more.  Thank you for the many wonderful ways you are helping this child.

Help!  My seven-year-old is asking about sex!  Isn’t he way too young?  Should I postpone this discussion or should I just go ahead with it now?  Is there a book or something?

The time to answer the question is when it is asked.  For you, that time is now!  Listen carefully to what is being asked.  Don’t give answers to questions he hasn’t thought of yet, but let the answers you give be truthful ones.  Probably what you will be doing is opening the door to a continuing conversation that will be picked up for years to come.  Be sure you communicate that it is okay for your son to come to you with his questions.  His level of comfort with the subject will match yours, so be as comfortable as you can be.  It may be good to use a book as a conversation starter.  One series I like is the “God’s Design for Sex Series” by Stan and Brenna Jones.  This series consists of four books for different ages, preschool through age 14.  Pick the one that most closely matches your child’s developmental stage and talk through it together.  The books help children understand their own bodies as well as the fact that God’s design for sex is one of His good gifts to us.  I know you will be able to have private conversations with your son that will lead him to a right understanding of God’s great plan for our bodies and our families.

How do I deal with a 2 1/2 year old boy who does not want to listen and is constantly on the move?  He is getting into everything and he does not listen when I tell him to stop.  When he doesn’t get his way, he gets mad and throws whatever toy or object he is playing with. When I try to take him to a group activity such as story time or music classes, he will not sit with the group and participate.  Instead, he runs around the room and tries to open the doors to make an escape. I’m at my wit’s end and don’t even want to take him to activities anymore.  I don’t want to yell at him and I really want to try to discipline him in a calm, quiet way, it just doesn’t seem to be working because we both end up getting frustrated.

Almost all 2 ½ year old boys fit that description…they don’t want to listen and they are constantly on the move!  It is the job of two-year-olds to explore and test all sorts of boundaries.  That makes it very hard to get them to do what you want, but it is the job of a parent to make sure that the important boundaries remain intact.  Isn’t it exhausting?  One thing your child needs is the feeling that he has some control in his life.  When possible, give him some choices in his activities.  Give him some acceptable options of what to play with at home or what snacks to have, and then let him make his own choices (from things you would already have chosen).  This sense of control will lessen the frustration he is expressing.  It is also important that he knows what to expect.  A routine in the day will help with this, as will giving him plenty of notice when a transition is about to happen.  “We are going to the grocery store soon.   In five minutes I will help you pick up your toys, and then we will put on your shoes together.”  Talk to him about what to expect in story time or music class.  If he does not participate, hold him with you in the back of the room.  If that doesn’t work, just leave.  He may really not be ready for these activities yet.  Schedule play dates with one or two other children so he can get used to being around them, even if there is only “parallel play” and not much interaction.  Take small steps toward getting him ready for group activities.  Before you set standards for his behavior, be certain that he really is capable of doing what you expect.  Bravo to you for working at consistent, calm discipline.  No one gets it right all the time.  But keep trying!

Recently we attended a party at a friend’s home for both adults and children. While my husband and I were in another room our children were playing down the hall in their kids room. I was not aware that my daughter (age 7) had gone with two other children into the study and got on the computer. The computer was on and the children went online and proceeded to google the meaning of certain potty words. My daughter did not tell me this and I only found out about it several days later after another mother told me what had happened. Our children are never allowed on the computer unsupervised and my daughter knows this. We did talk to her about this after we found out it happened. She was very upset and said she forgot about our rule and was sorry.

How do we teach our children how to handle situations when they are with their peers regarding internet, TV, movies and video games? Secondly, can you recommend a good internet filter site that we can install on our home computer?

What good parents you are!  You are right to be concerned about this and to work to protect your children from inappropriate material.  Ultimately, you want your daughter to be able to make her own wise choices about what she watches on TV or sees on the computer.  But she’s just not there yet.  Your rule about not using the computer unsupervised is a good one.  Make a plan with your daughter for what she can do if she finds herself in this uncomfortable situation again.  For example, she could just walk away—or she could call you.  Help her come up with a plan that she could comfortably follow without making a big scene.  Whenever possible, it will help if you mention to the parents of friends she may be visiting that your family would like for adults to supervise what children view on the internet, TV, or movies.  As your children grow, have relaxed conversations with them about the values that help determine what may not be appropriate to see.  Developing this internal set of values will help your children come to the place of making right decisions themselves.

There are several good internet security programs available.  You might explore Safe Eyes or Bsecure (formerly Be Safe Online).