My husband and I are struggling with our 6-year-old daughter.  She is rebellious and defiant at times.  How can we teach her to be obedient and in turn be obedient to the Lord Jesus?

You don’t say whether this behavior has developed or become more intense recently, but if so, what you are experiencing is quite normal.  We can expect that most 5-and 6-year- olds will test boundaries…and test their parents.  It is a part of their development and a necessary step for them in figuring things out.  One of the things she needs to know is that there are boundaries, that you set them, and that you are sticking to them.  Even though she may act like she doesn’t like limits, those limits actually will help her feel safe.  You and your husband should decide which rules are really important in your family.  In other words, pick your battles.  Don’t try to fight every fight at once, but pick a few rules and determine ahead of time what her consequences will be if she breaks those rules. Make sure she understands the rules and the consequences for breaking them.  It is important to meet her defiance with definite and consistent consequences rather than emotional outbursts.  Stick with it!  You are so right that God’s plan is for our children to learn obedience to their parents and in turn become obedient to the Lord.  God loved us enough to articulate the rules He wants us to follow, and He loves us enough to discipline us when we defy Him.  This should encourage you to be consistent.

I’d also urge you to “catch her being good”.  Be sure that you give her affirmation when she is cooperative.  Give positive attention for desired behavior.  And always, always, reassure her that you love her, no matter what she does.

My 5-year-old is a wonderful boy with a tremendous heart. He’s gentle, kind, and has a tender heart for others. However, he’s not what one would call a “risk taker”—i.e. doesn’t want to ride a bike, follows the soccer herd, is not a “climber”.   No matter how I try to encourage and coach him, he still seems timid and afraid of having fun. What else can I do?

First I want to say what a great dad you are for recognizing and articulating the things that make your child so uniquely special. Keep encouraging him with those thoughts and words! There is a recognized link between affirmation and confidence. It may be that your son never will be a risk taker, but I understand and applaud your desire for him to have a variety of experiences.

The best thing you can do is to spend time doing fun and active things with him, without putting pressure on him. Make him laugh by making yourself look goofy while climbing play equipment, swimming, or riding a bike. Don’t put pressure on him, but make it look fun enough and non-threatening enough and sooner or later he will want to try. Set him up for success. For organized sports, I’d recommend Upward sports. These are non-competitive and I love their philosophy that “Every child is a winner.” Soon you might want to try enrolling him in some martial arts classes. Individual sports will probably work better for him than team sports where he feels pressure to perform. You are doing a great job at loving him just the way God made him. Keep it up!

Our 16 month old son has started biting, pinching, and scratching when he gets frustrated. All responses we’ve tried have only encouraged him. How should we respond?

This toddler behavior is frustrating and potentially embarrassing for a parent, but it is absolutely normal. Good for you for already noticing that it happens when your little guy is frustrated! That’s exactly what is happening. He gets frustrated and he doesn’t know any way to express that, so he’s biting his buddies. If an adult bit another adult (think Mike Tyson), there would certainly be malice behind the act, but that’s not the case with toddlers. In fact, your toddler doesn’t even understand that other people have feelings, so he’s usually not out to hurt someone; he just wants to make things happen the way he wants. I would suggest a response along these lines.

• Tell him calmly and quietly that he just hurt you (or Mommy or whoever). Say, “Scratching (or biting or pinching) hurts. That is why we don’t do it.” Give minimal attention to him as it may make the behavior seem more rewarding.
• If the behavior happens again, remind him why it is not acceptable and give a consequence. (Time out, for example.)
• Be consistent in following through in this way.

I have a couple of additional suggestions. Be sure that your normal play does not include behaviors like playful biting or pinching. A child this young cannot discern why it is sometimes fun and sometimes bad. Also, notice situations that frustrate your child. In calm, teachable moments, give him ideas for dealing with that frustration. (“When your blocks fall down, call Daddy and I will help you build them back.”) A child needs your help in developing coping mechanisms.

Our four-year-old son has difficulty controlling his anger and frustration a lot of the time. How do we best teach him to deal with his feelings calmly?

Children get angry—and they have quite a lot to be angry about. This is especially true of young children like your four-year-old. They are little and powerless and unable to do many of the things they try to do. I would feel angry too. But here is an interesting thing…children don’t know that anger is what they are feeling. When you are in one of these intense moments, you can help your child just by saying, “I can see you are angry now.” This will help you help him deal with it in a calmer, more teachable time. You can also help by recognizing what triggers your child’s anger and helping him know what the danger zones are. Those are long-term strategies. Your child also needs your help in developing techniques for managing anger. Try these principles:

• Stay calm. When a child is out of control, the last thing he needs is for your emotions to escalate the situation. Speak in a calm but firm voice.
• Do not accept or reward unacceptable behavior. If your child is lashing out at you or others, it is simply not acceptable. He should be isolated until he is able to calm down. Enforce consequences for behavior that cannot be tolerated. Be consistent in this.
• Help him find other outlets for his anger. You might try purchasing an “angry pillow” or “angry ball” which your child can squeeze or hit when he recognizes the feelings of anger.
• Help him learn to use words to talk about what makes him angry. This will probably need to happen after the storm of anger has passed, but over time it will equip him for dealing with his feelings.