I am currently going through a divorce and my daughter (whose dad lives in another country and whom she hasn’t seen in five years) is blaming me for now losing her stepfather (who was never loving to her).  The fear of not having a dad has hurt her deeply.  I need to be able to help her get through this difficult time.  Any words of wisdom?

I’m so sorry!  Your daughter has suffered a lot of pain and loss—but so have you.  You are a compassionate mom to be so concerned for her when you are experiencing your own pain.  However, that is what I’m going to ask you to do.  Try to focus on your daughter.  She is a child, and she is an innocent victim in this turmoil.  She needs a lot from you.  She needs your attention.  She needs to know you will always be there for her.  She needs structure in her life.  Be as involved as you can in her life.  Do fun things with her. Don’t burden her with conversations about what went wrong in your marriage.  Do not let your concern for her or your own sense of guilt cause you to be too lenient with her.  You are the only stability she has.  I know this is hard, but try not to take her anger so personally, even if she is expressing it against you.  What she is probably feeling is a sense of powerlessness at the losses and uncertainties in her life.  You are the logical target, only because you have the most power in her life.  But I am certain that she loves and needs you so much.  Even as I write this, I am praying for you and asking God to give both you and your daughter peace, hope, and a sure knowledge of His presence with you.

What is the proper way to train our child to come to us?

You don’t say how old your child is, but I am assuming this is a very young child.  However, even toddlers can learn to follow simple commands.  “Training” is exactly the right term for what needs to happen here.  When you call your child, be sure he understands you want him to come to you.  If the child is too young to understand this, first show him what you want. Go to him, move a short distance away, call his name, and guide him to you.  Repeat this, moving farther and farther away each time, until he understands and comes to you on his own.  Every time he responds to your call, give him positive affirmation.  You can make a game of this to train him, but be sure he understands you only call once.  When you feel sure that he understands what you want, continue to give positive affirmation when he comes, but also discipline him when he doesn’t.  Set the standard.  If you want him to come the first time you call, don’t keep calling him over and over until you become frustrated with him.  If that happens, he has trained you to keep on calling.  Call him once.  If he doesn’t come, go to him and tell him you are disappointed that he didn’t come and that there will be a consequence.  Choose a consequence that is appropriate (short time out or loss of the toy he’s playing with, for example), but be consistent.  Don’t give up!  You can do this!

My son is six years old, and his friends all like Scooby-Doo and Pokémon.  He watches these shows at their houses and Pokémon was even shown at summer school.  Some of the content is spooky.  It disturbs me!  Is it okay if I let him watch this stuff?  How hard do I put my foot down?  How do I address this with other parents and the school?  He wants to watch Scooby Doo and Pokémon and asks for these shows at home.  Help!

I’d like to help, but unfortunately there are no absolute answers to this question.  The Bible doesn’t have a single word to say about Scooby Doo or Pokémon!  You are such a diligent parent.  More than that, you are the parent that God chose for your son.  God will give you the wisdom you need to make these decisions.  Let me give you a few thoughts.  It is the job of a parent to protect a child from frightening images, especially in the young years.  However, there comes a time when children will be exposed to images or ideas that you may not like.  Then it is the job of a parent to help the child process those images or ideas.  “Scooby Doo” is not necessarily evil.  It can be very funny, but your point that some elements are spooky is well-taken.  When your child sees an episode at school or at another home, it would be great to discuss it with him later, just as a discussion, not as a condemnation. You might even want to watch some episodes together.  If there are things that seem wrong to you, help him see why those things might not make God happy.  Your little guy will learn to make judgments on his own, which is what needs to happen.

You will not be totally able to protect him from being exposed to these things without really embarrassing him or alienating other people.  There may come a time when you need to take a stand, even if it does embarrass him and alienate other people.  You can see why it is important to ask God to give you direction so you will be sure of yourself when those times come.  Web sites such as pluggedinonline.com help parents discern what is and is not appropriate for children to see.

My husband and I are struggling with our 6-year-old daughter.  She is rebellious and defiant at times.  How can we teach her to be obedient and in turn be obedient to the Lord Jesus?

You don’t say whether this behavior has developed or become more intense recently, but if so, what you are experiencing is quite normal.  We can expect that most 5-and 6-year- olds will test boundaries…and test their parents.  It is a part of their development and a necessary step for them in figuring things out.  One of the things she needs to know is that there are boundaries, that you set them, and that you are sticking to them.  Even though she may act like she doesn’t like limits, those limits actually will help her feel safe.  You and your husband should decide which rules are really important in your family.  In other words, pick your battles.  Don’t try to fight every fight at once, but pick a few rules and determine ahead of time what her consequences will be if she breaks those rules. Make sure she understands the rules and the consequences for breaking them.  It is important to meet her defiance with definite and consistent consequences rather than emotional outbursts.  Stick with it!  You are so right that God’s plan is for our children to learn obedience to their parents and in turn become obedient to the Lord.  God loved us enough to articulate the rules He wants us to follow, and He loves us enough to discipline us when we defy Him.  This should encourage you to be consistent.

I’d also urge you to “catch her being good”.  Be sure that you give her affirmation when she is cooperative.  Give positive attention for desired behavior.  And always, always, reassure her that you love her, no matter what she does.

My 5-year-old is a wonderful boy with a tremendous heart. He’s gentle, kind, and has a tender heart for others. However, he’s not what one would call a “risk taker”—i.e. doesn’t want to ride a bike, follows the soccer herd, is not a “climber”.   No matter how I try to encourage and coach him, he still seems timid and afraid of having fun. What else can I do?

First I want to say what a great dad you are for recognizing and articulating the things that make your child so uniquely special. Keep encouraging him with those thoughts and words! There is a recognized link between affirmation and confidence. It may be that your son never will be a risk taker, but I understand and applaud your desire for him to have a variety of experiences.

The best thing you can do is to spend time doing fun and active things with him, without putting pressure on him. Make him laugh by making yourself look goofy while climbing play equipment, swimming, or riding a bike. Don’t put pressure on him, but make it look fun enough and non-threatening enough and sooner or later he will want to try. Set him up for success. For organized sports, I’d recommend Upward sports. These are non-competitive and I love their philosophy that “Every child is a winner.” Soon you might want to try enrolling him in some martial arts classes. Individual sports will probably work better for him than team sports where he feels pressure to perform. You are doing a great job at loving him just the way God made him. Keep it up!

Our 16 month old son has started biting, pinching, and scratching when he gets frustrated. All responses we’ve tried have only encouraged him. How should we respond?

This toddler behavior is frustrating and potentially embarrassing for a parent, but it is absolutely normal. Good for you for already noticing that it happens when your little guy is frustrated! That’s exactly what is happening. He gets frustrated and he doesn’t know any way to express that, so he’s biting his buddies. If an adult bit another adult (think Mike Tyson), there would certainly be malice behind the act, but that’s not the case with toddlers. In fact, your toddler doesn’t even understand that other people have feelings, so he’s usually not out to hurt someone; he just wants to make things happen the way he wants. I would suggest a response along these lines.

• Tell him calmly and quietly that he just hurt you (or Mommy or whoever). Say, “Scratching (or biting or pinching) hurts. That is why we don’t do it.” Give minimal attention to him as it may make the behavior seem more rewarding.
• If the behavior happens again, remind him why it is not acceptable and give a consequence. (Time out, for example.)
• Be consistent in following through in this way.

I have a couple of additional suggestions. Be sure that your normal play does not include behaviors like playful biting or pinching. A child this young cannot discern why it is sometimes fun and sometimes bad. Also, notice situations that frustrate your child. In calm, teachable moments, give him ideas for dealing with that frustration. (“When your blocks fall down, call Daddy and I will help you build them back.”) A child needs your help in developing coping mechanisms.

Our four-year-old son has difficulty controlling his anger and frustration a lot of the time. How do we best teach him to deal with his feelings calmly?

Children get angry—and they have quite a lot to be angry about. This is especially true of young children like your four-year-old. They are little and powerless and unable to do many of the things they try to do. I would feel angry too. But here is an interesting thing…children don’t know that anger is what they are feeling. When you are in one of these intense moments, you can help your child just by saying, “I can see you are angry now.” This will help you help him deal with it in a calmer, more teachable time. You can also help by recognizing what triggers your child’s anger and helping him know what the danger zones are. Those are long-term strategies. Your child also needs your help in developing techniques for managing anger. Try these principles:

• Stay calm. When a child is out of control, the last thing he needs is for your emotions to escalate the situation. Speak in a calm but firm voice.
• Do not accept or reward unacceptable behavior. If your child is lashing out at you or others, it is simply not acceptable. He should be isolated until he is able to calm down. Enforce consequences for behavior that cannot be tolerated. Be consistent in this.
• Help him find other outlets for his anger. You might try purchasing an “angry pillow” or “angry ball” which your child can squeeze or hit when he recognizes the feelings of anger.
• Help him learn to use words to talk about what makes him angry. This will probably need to happen after the storm of anger has passed, but over time it will equip him for dealing with his feelings.