How do I deal with a 2 1/2 year old boy who does not want to listen and is constantly on the move?  He is getting into everything and he does not listen when I tell him to stop.  When he doesn’t get his way, he gets mad and throws whatever toy or object he is playing with. When I try to take him to a group activity such as story time or music classes, he will not sit with the group and participate.  Instead, he runs around the room and tries to open the doors to make an escape. I’m at my wit’s end and don’t even want to take him to activities anymore.  I don’t want to yell at him and I really want to try to discipline him in a calm, quiet way, it just doesn’t seem to be working because we both end up getting frustrated.

Almost all 2 ½ year old boys fit that description…they don’t want to listen and they are constantly on the move!  It is the job of two-year-olds to explore and test all sorts of boundaries.  That makes it very hard to get them to do what you want, but it is the job of a parent to make sure that the important boundaries remain intact.  Isn’t it exhausting?  One thing your child needs is the feeling that he has some control in his life.  When possible, give him some choices in his activities.  Give him some acceptable options of what to play with at home or what snacks to have, and then let him make his own choices (from things you would already have chosen).  This sense of control will lessen the frustration he is expressing.  It is also important that he knows what to expect.  A routine in the day will help with this, as will giving him plenty of notice when a transition is about to happen.  “We are going to the grocery store soon.   In five minutes I will help you pick up your toys, and then we will put on your shoes together.”  Talk to him about what to expect in story time or music class.  If he does not participate, hold him with you in the back of the room.  If that doesn’t work, just leave.  He may really not be ready for these activities yet.  Schedule play dates with one or two other children so he can get used to being around them, even if there is only “parallel play” and not much interaction.  Take small steps toward getting him ready for group activities.  Before you set standards for his behavior, be certain that he really is capable of doing what you expect.  Bravo to you for working at consistent, calm discipline.  No one gets it right all the time.  But keep trying!

Recently we attended a party at a friend’s home for both adults and children. While my husband and I were in another room our children were playing down the hall in their kids room. I was not aware that my daughter (age 7) had gone with two other children into the study and got on the computer. The computer was on and the children went online and proceeded to google the meaning of certain potty words. My daughter did not tell me this and I only found out about it several days later after another mother told me what had happened. Our children are never allowed on the computer unsupervised and my daughter knows this. We did talk to her about this after we found out it happened. She was very upset and said she forgot about our rule and was sorry.

How do we teach our children how to handle situations when they are with their peers regarding internet, TV, movies and video games? Secondly, can you recommend a good internet filter site that we can install on our home computer?

What good parents you are!  You are right to be concerned about this and to work to protect your children from inappropriate material.  Ultimately, you want your daughter to be able to make her own wise choices about what she watches on TV or sees on the computer.  But she’s just not there yet.  Your rule about not using the computer unsupervised is a good one.  Make a plan with your daughter for what she can do if she finds herself in this uncomfortable situation again.  For example, she could just walk away—or she could call you.  Help her come up with a plan that she could comfortably follow without making a big scene.  Whenever possible, it will help if you mention to the parents of friends she may be visiting that your family would like for adults to supervise what children view on the internet, TV, or movies.  As your children grow, have relaxed conversations with them about the values that help determine what may not be appropriate to see.  Developing this internal set of values will help your children come to the place of making right decisions themselves.

There are several good internet security programs available.  You might explore Safe Eyes or Bsecure (formerly Be Safe Online).

Recently in our community a loved and respected pastor tragically took his own life.  This sad event has been widely discussed, and many parents have asked, “How can I help my child understand something I don’t even understand myself?”

This is a hard one!  Let’s remember that it is all right for parents to sometimes say, “I just don’t know the answer.  I can’t fully understand this either.”  That would definitely be a true answer for most of us in cases such as this.  However, it is also good to give children a Biblical framework for helping them process this or similar situations.  Here are some points that are definitely true.  I have borrowed some thoughts from a message delivered first by John Piper in 1988, and I’ve tried to put his points in kid-friendly terms.

1) Even people who know Jesus and are in God’s family can sometimes feel so sad they would rather stop living than keep on hurting inside.  The Bible gives several examples (Jonah in Jonah 4:8; Elijah in 1 Kings 19:4)

2) Taking your own life is a wrong choice.  It is a sin.  God says clearly, “Do not murder.”  God gives life and God decides when a person’s life ends.  (Exodus 20:13) When a person chooses to end his own life, that wrong choice makes God and many others sad.

3) Everyone sins.  This good pastor made a wrong choice, but we all make wrong choices.  God made a way for our sins to be forgiven when Jesus took our punishment on the cross.  (Isaiah 53:4-6) All people who believe in Jesus and accept His way to forgiveness are forgiven their sins, even suicide.

4) Sometimes even people who trust in Jesus forget to use their trust in Him.  When they try to take care of things in their own way, it leads to sin. (Romans 7:15) The consequences or the results of sin always lead to pain.  When a person decides to end their life, everyone who loves them has to live with the consequences of that sin because there is so much hurt and sadness afterward.

5) We can learn from the death of this pastor—or the death of anyone important to us—that God is still God.  He is still faithful, no matter what.  Any person who has accepted Christ will be with Him in heaven after they die.  (Acts 10:43; Luke 23:42-43)

Very sad times are often the times when our faith grows the most.  I pray many parents and children will find that this tragedy helps them see more truth about who God is.

Our daughter is seven and she is a pouter!  If I tell her to pick up her toys, she pouts.  If I tell her it is time for bed, she pouts.  Anything that is my idea and not hers leads to pouting.  When I say pouting, I am talking about a major production.   Sad face, folded arms, stomping feet, major grouchiness that lasts a long time.  I dislike it so much that I become the grouchy parent and it escalates into real unpleasantness.  Help!

What you have to do with your pouting daughter is hard.  You have to ignore her.  The pouting is a manipulative move.  Although she may not consciously think these thoughts, what is going on inside her is something like, “If I show Mommy how sad I am, it will make her feel bad and then I won’t have to ….(fill in the blank)”.  You aren’t doing her any favors when you let her manipulation get to you.  Just don’t respond to the pouting in any way.  Pretend you don’t even notice it.  A seven-year-old is certainly old enough to use words.  Encourage  her to do that by discussing her issues with you if she can do so respectfully.  Those types of discussions are also helping her develop valuable lifelong skills in conflict resolution.   If the opportunity arises, reward respectful questions or comments by engaging her in conversation.  But remember—never reward pouting.  Simply ignore it. 

My kids, ages 4 and 6, frequently start up conversations about heaven and what it will be like. They ask lots of questions -some of which I don’t know the answers.  For example, they ask about our cat who died a year ago “Will we see Rocky when we get there?” Or they’ll ask about our current pets ” Are Sammy and Xenie going to go too?” They also ask ” Is it up in the sky? How are we going to get there?”  And no matter what I say it always seems to end with my 6 year old saying ” I don’t want to go there. I will miss our house/cats/whatever else”.  He seems very anxious and scared about it and I was just wondering, what is the appropriate way to talk about heaven with young children and what is the best way to answer questions I don’t really know the answers to?

The best way to answer questions when you don’t really know the answer is to say, “I don’t really know the answer to that.”  This is actually a great lesson in faith for your children.  The truth is that our minds can never comprehend all there is to know about God—and there are many things we won’t know until we are in Heaven ourselves.  It is fine to say, “I don’t know”, but then you want to say what you DO know.  For example, we DO know that God created and cares about animals (Genesis 1:24-25 and Matthew 10:29).  Read these verses with your children and say that you are sure God has a plan to take care of the pets, but you are not sure whether you will see them in Heaven or not.  Follow the same plan with the Heaven discussions.  Talk about what we DO know based on scripture.  For example, you can use John 14:2-3 and Matthew 6:19-20 to open up discussions about Heaven.  Of course your children don’t want to go to Heaven yet.  They don’t want to be separated from you.  You can help them know Heaven is a real and wonderful place, but you can also reassure them that you think God planned for most children to stay with their parents on earth.  Again, you don’t know enough to promise them how long their earthly lives will be, but you do know enough to reassure them that God will always take care of them.  These are very normal questions they are asking, and it gives you a wonderful chance to build their understanding of God’s character.

My son is in public school, first grade.  Recently, he got in a discussion with another child about the Bible.  (We know the other child—also from a Christian family.)  The teacher told them that “we don’t talk about the Bible at school”.  I know my son is too immature to know when the appropriate time is to start a religious discussion.  Basic question:  what do we tell our kids about God’s “place” in school or day care?  I want him to grow up knowing he can talk about God anytime and anywhere—not to consider it a taboo subject.

Too often adults tend to compartmentalize God.  We may live as if He is only to be considered or talked to at church or limited times at home.  But your son has it exactly right.  God is God in every area of our life, all the time.  I love it that the Bible and God are foremost in your son’s mind and that he easily discusses spiritual matters with his friend.  I’m guessing that you have modeled that for him, just as we are directed in Deuteronomy 6:7.  “Talk about them [God’s commands] when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”  Your child will learn from you that it is right to talk about God anywhere and it will be natural to him. That’s wonderful!

Given that understanding, you will still need to help him understand that not everyone will agree with his beliefs.  Living in a society of great diversity offers us a wonderful opportunity to help our children understand different belief systems.  They should be taught to be respectful of their friends who may not believe as your family does.  At the same time, I know you will want your child to understand that Jesus loves everyone and wants them to know Him.  There will be times to just pray for his friends, and there may be times to talk to them about Jesus.  Help him understand how to be sensitive to that. We can’t force our beliefs on anyone.

One more note:  the situation you described probably warrants a conversation with the teacher.  If the conversation your son was having with his friend was at an appropriate time and was not interrupting the class, there is freedom of speech that gives them the right to discuss the Bible.  It would be good for you and the teacher to come to an understanding on that.

What can I do to get my 9-month-old to sleep through the night?

Wow!  You must be really tired.  This can be so frustrating.  I’ll make some recommendations and we’ll hope you get a good night’s sleep soon.  First, be certain that you have developed a distinctive daytime/nighttime routine.  Daytime should have light, sound, and stimulation with plenty of activity.  In contrast, nighttime should be dark (or at least dim) and quiet with no play time.  This helps your baby learn that night is for sleeping.  At nine months, he probably is still having at least two daytime naps, but you want to be sure they are not taking up the majority of the day.  If they are, then he is learning that daytime is for sleeping.  Establish a bedtime routine that is consistently the same.  This may include cuddling, reading, singing—any activity that gives your baby security and signals that sleep time is coming.  Babies must learn to put themselves to sleep, so don’t worry if there is fussing or even crying when you put him down.  If he continues to cry, go in, give him a pat, and speak calmly and lovingly to him.  “Go to sleep now.  I love you.”  Follow this same pattern when he wakes during the night.  Nighttime care should be very low-key.  Keep the lights dim and your voice quiet.  Let me suggest two websites for you.  They are sleepsense.net and familysleep.com.  They have some very helpful information.  Sleep well!

Our four-year-old is using language we do not like—“dirty” or “potty” words that he hears from his friends at preschool.  The more we tell him not to do it, the more he does it.  Help!

When your little boy hears his friends at school using these words, he probably sees that they get a big reaction from others.  For some reason, children think dirty words are hilarious.  That big reaction is what your son is going for.  Make sure you don’t reward him.  It will be better to under-react than over-react.  When he uses an inappropriate word, calmly and quietly say, “We do not use that word in our family.”  It is appropriate to give a consequence for his repeated use of words you’ve asked him not to use.  The best consequence is “time out” to show him that he can be with the family only when he uses the type of language the family chooses.  But remember—be consistent and be calm.  Never give him the satisfaction of seeing you overreact to his language.  This won’t last forever!

How do I constructively criticize my teenager, regarding her hygiene and appearance?  I want her to take pride in her appearance, but I don’t want to be negative in approaching her about it.  I know she takes it that way.  I simply want to encourage her to be her best; she is beautiful inside and out.

Teenagers!  Gotta love ‘em! The teen years are fun and exciting and challenging for teenagers and for their parents. Most teenagers feel awkward and unsure about their physical appearance.  Sometimes this causes them to make inappropriate or just plain foolish choices about their clothing and hygiene. A part of your job now is to get your daughter to the place where she is able to take personal responsibility for her cleanliness, clothing, and health. And you’ll need to get her there without appearing to tell her what to do.  That’s a real challenge!

The most important thing to do is to keep the lines of communication open.  You can do this by helping her know she has choices.  Discuss different options with her, but make it clear that the final choices are hers.  For example, talk about the pros and cons of different hygiene products.  “Which shampoo do you think you’d like more—the one that smells like watermelon or the one that smells like blueberries?”  Let her have the final say in what to buy.  Spend a day shopping with her, trying on all kinds of clothes.  Listen and watch to see what she likes.  Learn about what is cool in fashion.  Enjoy your daughter!  And pick your battles.  You don’t have to like the same things.  You can gently steer her toward the outfits that are modest but still cool by really affirming how great she looks.  Again, though, she needs to feel that she is making choices for herself.  This is an important developmental task on the road to independence.

Remember that protecting your relationship and your developing friendship with your daughter is of much greater lasting importance than whether or not her clothes are cute.  Trust me, there will come a day when your daughter/friend will say the words you’re longing to hear, “Mom, what do you think about this outfit?”

When you call your two year old and they run as if you are playing, what can you do short of “Get here now or a swat”?

This is a little more complex than you might think!  Two-year-olds are performing the developmental tasks of separation and individuation.  In simple terms, that means that your child is figuring out where you end and he begins.  When you keep that in mind, it makes sense that it would be exciting for him to run away when you want him to come.  It’s a new and nifty trick he knows!  You can be in one place and he can be in another but he is still rewarded by hearing the sound of your voice and knowing you are there and want him.

However, knowing the “why” of it still doesn’t solve your problem, does it?  Here are a couple of suggestions.  First, when it is feasible, include him in the preparations for a transition.  For example, “We are going to leave in the car soon.  Let’s get our things ready to go.”  This may work better than suddenly calling him when it is time to leave. When you understand that just being two means your child is likely to not come when you call, try to limit the times you call him.  He will get past this stage and things will get easier.   In addition, remember that teaching happens best in a time on non-conflict, so at a time when you don’t need him to come, tell him how important it is that when you call his name, he needs to come to you.  Let him know you expect him to come the first time you call.  Then—expect him to come the first time you call.  If he doesn’t come, there needs to be a consistent consequence, hopefully one that doesn’t involve your screaming.

The two’s are actually more terrific than terrible, but it is definitely an intense time.  It won’t last forever!