We are having a difficult time putting our son to bed at night. The child has trouble going to sleep and he ends up in bed with us during the night.

This is a tough question, because we as parents are not able to MAKE a child fall asleep or stay asleep. This is a battle ground area for a strong willed child. Making a plan together with the help of a pediatrician would be helpful. The reason to include your pediatrician is because sleep issues can impact other areas of health and they know your child from a medical standpoint. Secondly, routines are critical to sleeping patterns. Even as adults we have bed time routines. Turning the TV off and starting early so the child is able calm down can be helpful.

Again, this is an area where consistency is important for toddlers. This is hard for parents, because if a child isn’t sleeping then we are not sleeping. Working together as a team with the plan you have developed will be helpful. Don’t lose hope. They won’t be sleeping with you when they are 18. I promise.

We are trying to teach our toddler to listen and obey and we are having a difficult time. We have tried everything from time-outs, spanking, and talking. Nothing is working.

The toddler years are difficult because toddlers are experiencing their first taste of independence. We want our children to be independent so they will eventually move out of the house and be successful, but we also need then to know that respect of authority will be a requirement the rest of their lives.

Tedd Tripp in his book “Shepherding a Child’s Heart” addresses this issue by stating consistency is the answer. The truth is a toddler will continue testing the waters over and over again. This can wear us down as parents. Consistency and a plan will help you wait a child out! I just experienced this in my own home with a child and God just placed on my heart that this stage will end. Do not be discouraged but discipline with compassion and intentionality.

Another answer to this question comes from a wise woman that I knew as my children were toddlers. She was in her 80’s and volunteering in Preschool ministry and she told me to let my NO be my NO. Meaning, even when I stopped and questioned why I was saying no and thought I might want to change my mind, not to. This caused me to stop before I said no to something to decide if I really wanted to say no or not.

On my 6-year-old’s chore chart, he was responsible for feeding the dog. However, I have been trying to only ask him once to do something. So if the dog wasn’t fed or if I didn’t know he had fed the dog, I had to ask or do it myself.  Is six too young to be responsible for feeding a dog?

Let me list some of the things you are doing right—teaching your child responsibility, using a chore chart as a logical way of training, and working toward first time obedience. All of these are great! A six-year-old can learn a lot about responsibility by caring for a pet, but their maturity level may not allow for the level of commitment it takes. In general, I would say that six-year-olds are on the lower age range for feeding pets without gentle reminders; but of course, it depends on the individual child.

Chore charts are such a good way to go in helping children assume an appropriate level of responsibility. Many good examples can be found online to be purchased, printed, or even managed on line. One that I like is myjobchart.com. Whichever way you go, the idea is that a child is earning a privilege or some other reward by completing their chores. In your parenting, you are seeking first time obedience—you tell or ask your child one time to do something and he will do it. Good for you! That is wonderful, and it requires consistency, as you know. The way to achieve that with your six-year-old in this situation would be something like this: If you decide to keep “feeding the dog” as a chore, that is fine. If the appointed time passes and the dog is still hungry, you can remind your son one time. If the dog is not fed within a short period of time, feed the dog yourself without asking your son again. However, he does not get credit on the chore chart and will suffer the consequence of not having enough credit to get his reward. This is a very reasonable expectation and a reasonable way of teaching. If, however, you find that the dog is consistently going hungry or you and your son are in constant conflict over this, you might want to substitute another chore for him.

Keep up the good work!

Our six year old son is showing signs of low self-esteem and we are at a loss on how to help. It is triggered by what he feels is a failure of some kind—losing a video game, accidentally hurting his little brother, making a poor choice that results in a punishment, etc. He then spirals downward into being in a very sad mood, grumpiness, and saying things like, “I don’t like myself,” “I’m a terrible big brother,” “I’m not good at anything,” etc. We feel like we constantly encourage and praise him, point out when he has done something well, build him up—but it is heartbreaking to hear him say he doesn’t like himself. We don’t know if this is a phase, a cry for attention, a normal stage of development—or if this is a real problem we need to address urgently. Can you give us some insight?

First, I want to affirm that you are doing SO many things right! I love the ways you are giving him positive affirmation. You are definitely meeting a need when you do this. For me, a missing piece of information is whether this behavior has developed or accelerated recently or whether your son has always shown this tendency. We are all born with tendencies toward certain personality characteristics. A person who has perfectionistic tendencies will tend to get down on themselves very quickly, just as you are describing with your son. If you believe this is an inherent tendency, it is good to help him recognize this because you will need to work together to compensate. He will need to hear from you and repeat to himself until he believes it that “nobody is perfect”.

For a child, and for all of us, our self-esteem comes not only from what we perceive about ourselves, but from what we think about how others perceive us. Your child will first develop self-esteem from your responses to him. He needs positive reactions and love from you. He also needs to be able to rely on you to tell him when his behavior is not pleasing. Of course, you will still do that in love. Loving correction affirms a child’s sense of worth even though his behavior needs to be corrected.

Around age 6, other adults become more influential in your son’s life. Do all you can to be certain that he is getting enough positive feedback from those adults. Even though a teacher or coach may not be saying negative things to your son, they may be saying nothing and it is possible your son receives that as criticism. Certain playmates may also be hurting your son’s feelings. Allow him to choose him own friends, but try to monitor some playtimes and note whether comparisons are being made, hurtful words are being used, or your child in some way feels overpowered.

Brag on your child to others. In his hearing, tell his grandparents or your friends about something special he has done. If he completes a project well, take a picture and put it in a place of honor in your home. Use every opportunity to let him know you think he is great.

Finally I would remind you to set your child up for success. Help him to find things that he does well and spend time with him doing those things. It may be an activity based on an athletic or scholastic ability, or it could be something as simple as playing a board game. There may be a chore that he does well. Enlist his help in getting that chore done, or even give him a “special” job. Let him know that you are proud of him and that you need him. The deep knowledge that he is a valued member of your family will serve him well all of his life.

Dear Miss Pat,

I have three children. My two boys are 11 and 4. It is my 3 year old daughter I’m concerned about. She is having extreme behavior issues. She gets angry very easily and will be physically aggressive, punching and hitting. She makes such a scene in restaurants that we never go out any more. Her dad and I are separated. I need help!

Many parents experience extreme anger from their children around the ages of two or three. Sometimes it is as simple as a child who is feeling big emotions but does not know appropriate ways to express those emotions. The emotions may be anger, as you have said, or a child may feel frustration or fear and express anger because she is not able to control circumstances. I would encourage you to pay attention to specific circumstances when your daughter is acting out. That may give you some clues as to what she is really feeling. Are there things she wants to be able to do and is not yet physically able? Are her brothers agitating her, perhaps just by being overly active around her? Is there a chance that she needs more attention from you? I don’t know the circumstances of your marital separation, but I know that you must be feeling the stress of being a single mom. What a hard time for you! It could be that your daughter misses her dad. Knowing what is causing her to behave as she does won’t immediately change her behavior, but it will help you help her over time.

Whatever the cause, her behavior is not acceptable, and that needs to be communicated to her. When she is angry, your best option is to respond calmly. Try not to escalate the situation by raising your voice. Instead, calmly say, “No hitting. That is not acceptable in our family.” If she continues, take her to her room and tell her she needs to stay there until she can calm down. Or, you may leave the room she is in if she is safe there. The idea is that you need to be sure her angry behavior is not rewarded by attention from you. You will not enter an argument with her. It is possible that she is seeing angry behavior modeled somewhere else, either with other children or on something she sees on television. If so, try to limit her exposure to that behavior.

There will be time later to talk over with her the unacceptable behavior. The time to discuss it with her is when she can be calm. Many children will choose public places to throw tantrums, just as you describe in the restaurants. They sense—or have learned by past success—that you cannot deal with their behavior in public. Your daughter needs to learn otherwise! If she demonstrates out of control behavior in public, do not hesitate to pick her up and walk out.

Over and over again, you will need to calmly respond and let her know her behavior is unacceptable. I know that is hard! When she does respond to something in a more appropriate way like using words to tell you when something is wrong, be sure to affirm her. That is the behavior we want to see more of!

As I write this answer, I am praying God’s peace for you and your children. I hope you will make a practice of asking God to help you lead your children. He loves them far more than we could ever comprehend!

Dear Miss Pat,

Our three-year-old daughter is very strong-willed and pushes us to our limits. She rarely eats a meal but then will wear you down for snacks. She will beg forever until we sometimes give in. We know we need to stand firm. Any suggestions to get her to eat meals and try new foods? (She barely eats anything that isn’t a carb or sweets.)

The issue that you are having with your daughter is a very common one. Lots of pre-school age children are picky eaters. Of course, there is the additional problem of her pushing you to your limits. That problem is more than common—it is universal. She is doing exactly what you said; she’s trying to find your limits, and she is succeeding. Her success is due in part to the fact that the issue of eating is such a vital one for parents and children. Of course, she is not consciously using eating as a way to control you, but in reality that is what is happening.

The first thing for you to do is to take control of meal time. If you decide that the most important thing is for your daughter to eat at meal time, then you will need to push her and wait it out at the table until she eats. But be prepared for a long wait with your strong-willed little girl. On the other hand, if you decide it is more important for meal time to be good family time, then leave the choice with her whether to eat or not. If she chooses not to, simply remove her plate after the meal is done. Then stand firm! She won’t get another chance to eat until a designated snack time.

At snack time, let her know that she has choices, but they need to be a range of choices that you control. For example, let her have her choice of fruit, cheese, or veggies (or even the meal she refused earlier). She will like the control of choices, but remember that you are the one limiting her choices. You are the parents, and you will choose what is good for her. She may get hungry and grouchy, but she won’t starve. She may wear you out, but don’t let her wear you down.

It may help her try new things if you let her help you prepare foods or snacks. She might like adding toppings to potatoes or yogurt. Sometimes even cutting foods in different shapes or serving on different plates will help. She might decide she likes something if it is served on a brightly decorated party paper plate.

Keep in mind that her stomach is only as big as her hand, so eating a little may be just right for her. Young children often do better with several, smaller meals or snacks spaced throughout the day.

This is a phase that will pass. The willfulness that you are seeing in your daughter is a sign of a strong spirit that may often feel trying, but I am betting that it will also make you feel very proud one day.

Hi Ms. Pat,

My 6 years old daughter cries easily in handling even “simple” disappointment.  For example, this morning she requested to have breakfast of a toast with some butter on it and a piece of cheese on the side.  I told her ok and took out bread and cheese on the kitchen table.  I needed to go to restroom and then I left the kitchen.  My husband who did not hear her request but seeing the bread and cheese on the table put the cheese on the bread and microwaved it.  My daughter saw it and she was disappointed and told her daddy that it’s not what she wanted.  Her daddy told her to go ahead and eat it.  She then burst into tears and came running to me telling me that daddy had put the cheese on the bread.  I acknowledged her disappointment and explained to her that her daddy did not know her request She still kept on crying.

She cries easily such as if her particular pencil is used by her sister and she did not get to use it at that time or knowing it that they will take turn to use the pencil…..  The only things I know to help her is 1) acknowledging her disappointment, 2) teaching her to verbalize her disappointment, 3) explaining to her how or why things happen, 4) asking her to think of how Jesus would react, and 5) sometimes asking her to have self-control of her emotions. However, she still keeps on crying easily and seems having difficulty in handling simple disappointment.  Please teach us how to wisely handling situation like this.  Thank you very much!

Hi,
I can understand that this problem causes you concern. Of course, life does bring disappointments. Some are small and some are not so small. Learning to handle the disappointments of childhood is necessary preparation for handling the larger disappointments that your daughter will one day face.

The things you list are exactly the right things to do to help her. I do have a few more specific suggestions to offer.

At a calm time, discuss with your daughter the need for learning to stay calm when things don’t go her way. Six-year-olds are typically ready to become more actively involved in their own development than younger children, so she may respond well to the idea of working with you to help develop the skill of handling her emotions.

Help her choose or develop several “self-calming” techniques. That could be taking deep breaths, talking to or holding a pet, making something creative, or maybe just going outside. The idea is this: when she feels sad and disappointed, instead of crying, she should learn to say “STOP” to herself. Substitute one of the calming techniques for crying. At first, you can prompt her but the goal is for her to develop the habit of stopping herself from crying by using something that helps her calm down.

It is also important for you to model dealing with disappointment in a calm and God-honoring way. In regular conversation, point out when you or your husband or a sibling have something disappointing happen. “I really wanted to be able to buy a dress today, but I couldn’t afford it. Maybe next time.” Look for opportunities to affirm any family member, including your six-year-old, who stays calm in an upsetting situation.

Sometimes disappointments are caused by other people. Help your daughter learn to see things from other people’s point of view. This is a skill that has to be nurtured and developed. For example, “Can you tell me what Daddy might have been thinking when he saw the bread and cheese?” It sounds like you are already working on this. Don’t give up! It does not come naturally to any of us to place others ahead of ourselves, but it is a discipline to develop.

Finally, help her see that God is pleased when she stays calm and that He can help her. Pray with her, asking God to help her learn to stop her crying and remain calm.

You are doing such a great job of parenting your little girl. Keep it up!

Miss Pat,

My daughter is 7.  When she was in the 1st grade, she had a classmate who was in the same class with her since they were in Kindergarten, they quickly became best friends.  They are in different classroom for 2nd grade.  However, I see that they are still playing together during recess and at lunch.

Soon after their last playdate, her mom asked if I agree our daughters should make friends with others from their own classroom.  I agree that they should expand their circle of friends, but it is up to them.  Her mom kept going about how my daughter was unhappy when her daughter played with other kids and she found out about this from her diary and that it had been going on for a year.  I was taken by surprise because the whole time it was her daughter who always wanted to play with my daughter.  She always gave stuff to my daughter.  Her mom’s suggestion to expand their circle of friends was more about cutting of their friendship.

My daughter is overly protective of her best friend.  Sometimes I feel she limited her friend to do what she wanted.  So I had a talk with my daughter to find out the truth.  She did not lied to me about what happened but she did not volunteer information either.  I suggested her to make friends with others in her class and not to force friendship.  I checked back with her every now and then, it seems she has failed.  She ended up going back to the same one but she tried to be more liberal.  But every indication I gather pointed out that her best friend no longer wanted to play with her.  The words that her friend said to my daughter was more of an adult’s than a 7-year-old.

How can I help her?

Thanks!

Oh, this makes me sad and I know it hurts you for your daughter. Friendships are important to all of us. We are created to need relationships. As we mature, we understand that friendships come and go but it is difficult for children to handle changing dynamics in a friendship. And, as you say, sometimes the parent of a BFF can force changes for their own reasons. Probably this mother simply wants to broaden the scope of her daughter’s friendships and she pushed for that without a real understanding of how your daughter might be hurt.  This is part of life, though. All children will experience pain as part of their social lives.

However, the situation now is that your daughter needs new friends and she needs your help to be successful at that. Here are some tips.

•    You are already doing the most important thing by talking to your daughter. Try to draw her out more and really listen to what she says. You may hear stories that will help you pinpoint social skills she needs to develop. For example, do relationships hit a dead end because your daughter doesn’t know how to compromise or negotiate? Very few people have these skills naturally, so you may need to “coach” her in how to be a good friend.
•    Try to be low-key about the situation with the broken friendship. Children tend to take cues from us as to how much or how little to be upset about any given situation. Knowing that she’s been hurt must break your heart, but try to be nonchalant about it. After all, these things do happen.
•    Provide opportunities for her to meet more people in ways she will enjoy. Is she in activities outside school like dance or gymnastics? Activities that provide an opportunity for kids to have fun together can naturally lead to friendships.
•    Be your daughter’s biggest cheerleader! Tell her she’s great. Be specific in telling her things about her that you enjoy. This will help her believe that other people will enjoy her too, and that boost of confidence may help her reach out to new friends.
•    Pray that God will send your daughter the friends He has for her. I know He loves her and has good things planned for her.

Thank you for being such a great parent and caring so much for your daughter!

First, I want to point out a few things that have definitely contributed to our (apparent) success with our children.

1. I married well. Although I didn’t know it when I proposed to her, my wife’s “mom” skills are off the charts.
2. We joined a “Young Married” Bible study class six months before we were married. The wise instruction received from the teacher and the fellowship with others at a similar stage in life was important to my growth as a dad. I believe participation in a Bible class with a wise leader is invaluable.
3. Our participation in a “Growing Kids God’s Way” study is also something that had a tremendous impact shaping my parenting beliefs.

Specifically, the above helped me better understand some basic principles that greatly influenced the training of our children.  A few of those include:

• Teach self-control early and often.  Correct behavior must be expected.
• Be consistent in communicating expectations and enforcing the consequences when they are not met.
• Require/teach moral behavior based upon biblical standards.
• Practice what you preach, because they will be watching.
• Be involved with your children and their friends and have fun while you are doing it.

If you are interested in reading more Secrets of Successful Dads, click here.

I want my children to find God’s path for them, so…
I must accept the reality that each child is God’s unique creation. This means they will have gifts and passions that may not exactly match my gifts and passions. It is good to introduce my children to the things I have a passion for but I should not try to force my children to be like me or push them to pursue the things that I enjoy. I should encourage and help my children to find their own interests.

I want my children to know they are loved, so…
Children need to hear the words “I love you” come out of their father’s mouth on a regular basis starting early in life. My children will never get too old to hear this from me.

I want my children to value and seek Godly integrity, so…
My children need to witness their father living out the principles of God’s Word. This is how they will know their father believes what he says.

I want my children to develop self-control, so…
Boundaries need to be established for every child. The boundaries should get larger as the children demonstrate they can be trusted. When the boundaries are breached, it is up to me to be sure there are consequences. Every time.

I want my children to be successful, so…
I must give them enough rope to become independent and fail. When they fail—and they will—I must be quick to rescue them with unconditional love and help them find their way back to the right track.

I want my children to have right relationships, so…
I must be sure they witness their father loving and caring for their mother.

If you are interested in reading more Secrets of Successful Dads, click here.