We have been working with our 3 1/2-year-old daughter on potty training for almost a year now.  It has been quite a year with a new baby and uprooting from the only home she’s known.  She will take a few steps forward and then a few steps back, which I think is typical.  But she is starting to protest more and going right in front of me after I’ll remind her.

We’ve tried the reward system which works a small percent of the time.  We’ve tried letting her run around without anything on.  We’ve tried taking things away and have done everything I can think of, just short of discipline.

She just seems so stubborn and lazy.  Do you have anything to offer that I might try?

Another thing that is setting her back I think is at church.  I have been sending her in pull-ups, but reminding her to tell her teachers if she has to go.  It seems though that she doesn’t and goes in the pull-ups.  I would love to be able to send her in panties, but I’m concerned that she’ll have too many accidents and stress out her teachers.  What do you think?

Of course this is just a temporary problem.  As you said, it is not unusual for a child to regress some in potty training, especially when there is stress in their lives, including major change to deal with.   Absolutely normal.

Do you feel like it is becoming a power struggle with her…more of a “you can’t make me” kind of issue?  If so, she is right.  You really can’t make her.  If you feel like the process has entered that arena, I would suggest you back off some.  Of course, you should and will still remind her, but when she doesn’t go in the potty, have a very low-key response.  Just clean up accidents matter-of-factly and remind her she should go in the potty.  If this is becoming a battle, it is up to you to de-escalate.

It doesn’t sound like you think the reward system is very effective with your little girl.  It sounds more like she knows what to do and how to do it, she is just not choosing to do it.  Is that right?

It might be that when she weighs things out in her smart little mind, the equation is something like this:

Stopping what I’m doing, pulling down my panties, taking the time to go in the potty vs. continuing to play, going in my panties or on the floor, and getting a big response from Mommy….hmmmm, I think I’ll just keep playing.

I’m not suggesting you are giving her too much of a reaction; I’m just thinking she may get some kind of kick out of pushing your buttons on this because it is an area where she has power.  But eventually, the equation will shift and she will feel embarrassed and uncomfortable for wetting or pooping herself and she will decide it is time to go potty, every time.  Of course, you will help that equation to shift by giving her big applause when she uses the potty and minimal attention when she does not.

The idea is that the motivation for going potty at this age must become internal motivation.    Until that happens, the problem at church will continue.  If her potty training is really having Mommy consistently ask her/take her, she will have accidents at church.  Even if an adult in her room is asking her to go potty, there may not be enough consistency and she will have accidents. You can put a reminder sticker on her if you want to:  “Please take me potty.”  That can be a reminder to her caregivers, but there is no guarantee that their timing will match hers.  Soon we will get to the place where she herself asks to be taken.  It really will happen.

Does she like wearing big-girl panties?  You might make a deal with her that she can wear panties to church, but if she has an accident, then her teachers will put pull-ups on her for the rest of the day.   Is that what you are doing now or is she coming to church in pull-ups?  You could give her the chance to stay dry in panties by letting her come that way and remind the caregiver to take her potty several times during the morning.

Don’t worry!  She WILL get to the place of being fully trained.  What a happy day that will be!

I have read and enjoyed your posts often! I have a certain challenge that I do not know how to address or how to act/react… I have recently married a man that has a little girl (age 10) that lives with us full time. She is very very smart and at the top of her class with advanced skills in every area but lacks common sense in almost all situations…  She does not have, and has not had, interaction with her mother since she was 3ish. They had her at a very young age so it leaves us only 13 years difference. I have been in her life now for 2 years with constant love and attention but she still looks to me sometimes as a peer, does not treat me with respect, does not listen to me, and gets an “attitude” she does not display with anyone else.  Often I put my foot down when she starts this and let her go to her room for a “cool down” where she can reflect and calm down (she gets very upset sometimes and starts to cry). If we have small talk about her doing something and follow it up with “proper” actions (displaying or saying what could have happened differently) she will try for about a week. A week or so later when she slips up again and I ask her what we talked about she has no clue or recollection of what we talked about. I do not punish her and want to find a way to get through to her. She calls me by my first name and I have never made her call me mom/mommy but she does at times and then goes back to my name.  Help, it’s hard for me to help her…!

Thanks,

Trying hard to be a good “mom”

This little girl is very blessed that God sent you to her!  She needs a mom to help train her, and I know you can do that.  I really like your approach of having “talks” with her and talking about how she might have done things differently.  The consistent follow-through is very important.  I can promise you that it is NOT true that a very smart 10-year-old has no recollection of those conversations after a week has passed.  She remembers; but she is using “forgetting” as a way of challenging you.  I would suggest you write out a sort of contract with her the next time you have one of these talks.  For example, if the issue is putting her things away, discuss the issue with her and outline your expectations.  Perhaps you expect her to put her dirty clothes away at the end of every day.  Make an agreement that after she has done that every day for a week (for example), she will get a special treat.  Write out the agreement and have both of you sign it.  This will be a visible reminder; plus a child this age may like the “grown-up”, more formal nature of a contract.  You cannot do this with every issue, so choose a few ongoing issues and work on them this way one at a time.

A larger problem is the fact that she is not seeing you as an authority figure in her life.  You and her dad need to make it clear to her that, though you are not her mother, you ARE her step-mother.  You have responsibility for her and authority over her.  You need to have clear guidelines as to how she shows respect for you.  It may help you to consider that the respect you are requiring is respect for the position of step-mother.  It is a life lesson she needs to learn.  There will always be authority figures to whom she must show respect.  Help her learn to do that.

She will not become obedient to you unless there are consequences for disobedience.  You say you do not “punish” her; try to think of it more as discipline.  Discipline is simply a way of teaching or training.  When you put your foot down, it needs to carry some weight.  The consequence you use to discipline her is up to you and your husband.  It could be that she loses a privilege or an activity that is important to her (video games or playing with friends).  Whatever you decide, consequences need to be clear and consistent.

I know as time goes on and there is more consistency in your relationship, she will grow to appreciate you more.  Thank you for the many wonderful ways you are helping this child.

Help!  My seven-year-old is asking about sex!  Isn’t he way too young?  Should I postpone this discussion or should I just go ahead with it now?  Is there a book or something?

The time to answer the question is when it is asked.  For you, that time is now!  Listen carefully to what is being asked.  Don’t give answers to questions he hasn’t thought of yet, but let the answers you give be truthful ones.  Probably what you will be doing is opening the door to a continuing conversation that will be picked up for years to come.  Be sure you communicate that it is okay for your son to come to you with his questions.  His level of comfort with the subject will match yours, so be as comfortable as you can be.  It may be good to use a book as a conversation starter.  One series I like is the “God’s Design for Sex Series” by Stan and Brenna Jones.  This series consists of four books for different ages, preschool through age 14.  Pick the one that most closely matches your child’s developmental stage and talk through it together.  The books help children understand their own bodies as well as the fact that God’s design for sex is one of His good gifts to us.  I know you will be able to have private conversations with your son that will lead him to a right understanding of God’s great plan for our bodies and our families.

How do I deal with a 2 1/2 year old boy who does not want to listen and is constantly on the move?  He is getting into everything and he does not listen when I tell him to stop.  When he doesn’t get his way, he gets mad and throws whatever toy or object he is playing with. When I try to take him to a group activity such as story time or music classes, he will not sit with the group and participate.  Instead, he runs around the room and tries to open the doors to make an escape. I’m at my wit’s end and don’t even want to take him to activities anymore.  I don’t want to yell at him and I really want to try to discipline him in a calm, quiet way, it just doesn’t seem to be working because we both end up getting frustrated.

Almost all 2 ½ year old boys fit that description…they don’t want to listen and they are constantly on the move!  It is the job of two-year-olds to explore and test all sorts of boundaries.  That makes it very hard to get them to do what you want, but it is the job of a parent to make sure that the important boundaries remain intact.  Isn’t it exhausting?  One thing your child needs is the feeling that he has some control in his life.  When possible, give him some choices in his activities.  Give him some acceptable options of what to play with at home or what snacks to have, and then let him make his own choices (from things you would already have chosen).  This sense of control will lessen the frustration he is expressing.  It is also important that he knows what to expect.  A routine in the day will help with this, as will giving him plenty of notice when a transition is about to happen.  “We are going to the grocery store soon.   In five minutes I will help you pick up your toys, and then we will put on your shoes together.”  Talk to him about what to expect in story time or music class.  If he does not participate, hold him with you in the back of the room.  If that doesn’t work, just leave.  He may really not be ready for these activities yet.  Schedule play dates with one or two other children so he can get used to being around them, even if there is only “parallel play” and not much interaction.  Take small steps toward getting him ready for group activities.  Before you set standards for his behavior, be certain that he really is capable of doing what you expect.  Bravo to you for working at consistent, calm discipline.  No one gets it right all the time.  But keep trying!

Recently we attended a party at a friend’s home for both adults and children. While my husband and I were in another room our children were playing down the hall in their kids room. I was not aware that my daughter (age 7) had gone with two other children into the study and got on the computer. The computer was on and the children went online and proceeded to google the meaning of certain potty words. My daughter did not tell me this and I only found out about it several days later after another mother told me what had happened. Our children are never allowed on the computer unsupervised and my daughter knows this. We did talk to her about this after we found out it happened. She was very upset and said she forgot about our rule and was sorry.

How do we teach our children how to handle situations when they are with their peers regarding internet, TV, movies and video games? Secondly, can you recommend a good internet filter site that we can install on our home computer?

What good parents you are!  You are right to be concerned about this and to work to protect your children from inappropriate material.  Ultimately, you want your daughter to be able to make her own wise choices about what she watches on TV or sees on the computer.  But she’s just not there yet.  Your rule about not using the computer unsupervised is a good one.  Make a plan with your daughter for what she can do if she finds herself in this uncomfortable situation again.  For example, she could just walk away—or she could call you.  Help her come up with a plan that she could comfortably follow without making a big scene.  Whenever possible, it will help if you mention to the parents of friends she may be visiting that your family would like for adults to supervise what children view on the internet, TV, or movies.  As your children grow, have relaxed conversations with them about the values that help determine what may not be appropriate to see.  Developing this internal set of values will help your children come to the place of making right decisions themselves.

There are several good internet security programs available.  You might explore Safe Eyes or Bsecure (formerly Be Safe Online).

Recently in our community a loved and respected pastor tragically took his own life.  This sad event has been widely discussed, and many parents have asked, “How can I help my child understand something I don’t even understand myself?”

This is a hard one!  Let’s remember that it is all right for parents to sometimes say, “I just don’t know the answer.  I can’t fully understand this either.”  That would definitely be a true answer for most of us in cases such as this.  However, it is also good to give children a Biblical framework for helping them process this or similar situations.  Here are some points that are definitely true.  I have borrowed some thoughts from a message delivered first by John Piper in 1988, and I’ve tried to put his points in kid-friendly terms.

1) Even people who know Jesus and are in God’s family can sometimes feel so sad they would rather stop living than keep on hurting inside.  The Bible gives several examples (Jonah in Jonah 4:8; Elijah in 1 Kings 19:4)

2) Taking your own life is a wrong choice.  It is a sin.  God says clearly, “Do not murder.”  God gives life and God decides when a person’s life ends.  (Exodus 20:13) When a person chooses to end his own life, that wrong choice makes God and many others sad.

3) Everyone sins.  This good pastor made a wrong choice, but we all make wrong choices.  God made a way for our sins to be forgiven when Jesus took our punishment on the cross.  (Isaiah 53:4-6) All people who believe in Jesus and accept His way to forgiveness are forgiven their sins, even suicide.

4) Sometimes even people who trust in Jesus forget to use their trust in Him.  When they try to take care of things in their own way, it leads to sin. (Romans 7:15) The consequences or the results of sin always lead to pain.  When a person decides to end their life, everyone who loves them has to live with the consequences of that sin because there is so much hurt and sadness afterward.

5) We can learn from the death of this pastor—or the death of anyone important to us—that God is still God.  He is still faithful, no matter what.  Any person who has accepted Christ will be with Him in heaven after they die.  (Acts 10:43; Luke 23:42-43)

Very sad times are often the times when our faith grows the most.  I pray many parents and children will find that this tragedy helps them see more truth about who God is.

Our daughter is seven and she is a pouter!  If I tell her to pick up her toys, she pouts.  If I tell her it is time for bed, she pouts.  Anything that is my idea and not hers leads to pouting.  When I say pouting, I am talking about a major production.   Sad face, folded arms, stomping feet, major grouchiness that lasts a long time.  I dislike it so much that I become the grouchy parent and it escalates into real unpleasantness.  Help!

What you have to do with your pouting daughter is hard.  You have to ignore her.  The pouting is a manipulative move.  Although she may not consciously think these thoughts, what is going on inside her is something like, “If I show Mommy how sad I am, it will make her feel bad and then I won’t have to ….(fill in the blank)”.  You aren’t doing her any favors when you let her manipulation get to you.  Just don’t respond to the pouting in any way.  Pretend you don’t even notice it.  A seven-year-old is certainly old enough to use words.  Encourage  her to do that by discussing her issues with you if she can do so respectfully.  Those types of discussions are also helping her develop valuable lifelong skills in conflict resolution.   If the opportunity arises, reward respectful questions or comments by engaging her in conversation.  But remember—never reward pouting.  Simply ignore it. 

My kids, ages 4 and 6, frequently start up conversations about heaven and what it will be like. They ask lots of questions -some of which I don’t know the answers.  For example, they ask about our cat who died a year ago “Will we see Rocky when we get there?” Or they’ll ask about our current pets ” Are Sammy and Xenie going to go too?” They also ask ” Is it up in the sky? How are we going to get there?”  And no matter what I say it always seems to end with my 6 year old saying ” I don’t want to go there. I will miss our house/cats/whatever else”.  He seems very anxious and scared about it and I was just wondering, what is the appropriate way to talk about heaven with young children and what is the best way to answer questions I don’t really know the answers to?

The best way to answer questions when you don’t really know the answer is to say, “I don’t really know the answer to that.”  This is actually a great lesson in faith for your children.  The truth is that our minds can never comprehend all there is to know about God—and there are many things we won’t know until we are in Heaven ourselves.  It is fine to say, “I don’t know”, but then you want to say what you DO know.  For example, we DO know that God created and cares about animals (Genesis 1:24-25 and Matthew 10:29).  Read these verses with your children and say that you are sure God has a plan to take care of the pets, but you are not sure whether you will see them in Heaven or not.  Follow the same plan with the Heaven discussions.  Talk about what we DO know based on scripture.  For example, you can use John 14:2-3 and Matthew 6:19-20 to open up discussions about Heaven.  Of course your children don’t want to go to Heaven yet.  They don’t want to be separated from you.  You can help them know Heaven is a real and wonderful place, but you can also reassure them that you think God planned for most children to stay with their parents on earth.  Again, you don’t know enough to promise them how long their earthly lives will be, but you do know enough to reassure them that God will always take care of them.  These are very normal questions they are asking, and it gives you a wonderful chance to build their understanding of God’s character.

My son is in public school, first grade.  Recently, he got in a discussion with another child about the Bible.  (We know the other child—also from a Christian family.)  The teacher told them that “we don’t talk about the Bible at school”.  I know my son is too immature to know when the appropriate time is to start a religious discussion.  Basic question:  what do we tell our kids about God’s “place” in school or day care?  I want him to grow up knowing he can talk about God anytime and anywhere—not to consider it a taboo subject.

Too often adults tend to compartmentalize God.  We may live as if He is only to be considered or talked to at church or limited times at home.  But your son has it exactly right.  God is God in every area of our life, all the time.  I love it that the Bible and God are foremost in your son’s mind and that he easily discusses spiritual matters with his friend.  I’m guessing that you have modeled that for him, just as we are directed in Deuteronomy 6:7.  “Talk about them [God’s commands] when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”  Your child will learn from you that it is right to talk about God anywhere and it will be natural to him. That’s wonderful!

Given that understanding, you will still need to help him understand that not everyone will agree with his beliefs.  Living in a society of great diversity offers us a wonderful opportunity to help our children understand different belief systems.  They should be taught to be respectful of their friends who may not believe as your family does.  At the same time, I know you will want your child to understand that Jesus loves everyone and wants them to know Him.  There will be times to just pray for his friends, and there may be times to talk to them about Jesus.  Help him understand how to be sensitive to that. We can’t force our beliefs on anyone.

One more note:  the situation you described probably warrants a conversation with the teacher.  If the conversation your son was having with his friend was at an appropriate time and was not interrupting the class, there is freedom of speech that gives them the right to discuss the Bible.  It would be good for you and the teacher to come to an understanding on that.

What can I do to get my 9-month-old to sleep through the night?

Wow!  You must be really tired.  This can be so frustrating.  I’ll make some recommendations and we’ll hope you get a good night’s sleep soon.  First, be certain that you have developed a distinctive daytime/nighttime routine.  Daytime should have light, sound, and stimulation with plenty of activity.  In contrast, nighttime should be dark (or at least dim) and quiet with no play time.  This helps your baby learn that night is for sleeping.  At nine months, he probably is still having at least two daytime naps, but you want to be sure they are not taking up the majority of the day.  If they are, then he is learning that daytime is for sleeping.  Establish a bedtime routine that is consistently the same.  This may include cuddling, reading, singing—any activity that gives your baby security and signals that sleep time is coming.  Babies must learn to put themselves to sleep, so don’t worry if there is fussing or even crying when you put him down.  If he continues to cry, go in, give him a pat, and speak calmly and lovingly to him.  “Go to sleep now.  I love you.”  Follow this same pattern when he wakes during the night.  Nighttime care should be very low-key.  Keep the lights dim and your voice quiet.  Let me suggest two websites for you.  They are sleepsense.net and familysleep.com.  They have some very helpful information.  Sleep well!